I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.

A thought comes . . . it's a true feeling, a funny feeling. And I get to develop it. [Writing] is more fun than performing, because I get to color with words.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.