You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

If you watch kids looking at something on television, even something that's produced for them and is supposed to be funny, what you'll notice is that they don't laugh.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.