I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "F**k it. Cut em up."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.