FastSaying

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.


Steven Wright

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I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly tol...
DENIS LEARY When I went to the funeral, it was just ...it really hit me hard. I've never had a friend that young...
DAN KANE The first game was interesting. We had a four-run lead and squandered it, but Daly puts up zeros, De...
MIKE TRAPASSO When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like a...
WILL ROGERS I had some really dear friends who died from AIDS-one in particular. His family wasn't around an...
ED HARRIS I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it. About a politician ...
MARK TWAIN I have had lots of friends who've been affected by Aids and a very good friend of mine, Oscar Mo...
EMMA THOMPSON heard a story awhile back about some friends who went swimming in a river. It was spring, and the gl...
JEFFERSON BETHKE He was at a car repair shop owned by one of his friends at the time, attempting to get rid of the ev...
LU XIANGJUN No-one can replace Richard Wright - he was my musical partner and my friend.
DAVID GILMOUR Part of me died when he died. You've got a 17-year-old who went to his grave for something he did no...
DAVID GARZA When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I wrote the song For A Dancer for a friend of mine who died in a fire. He was in the sauna in a hous...
JACKSON BROWNE I had a friend, Melissa, who was 28 years old. She was my best friend's wife, and she was my wif...
JASON ALDEAN I liked everything I read about Braddock, ... I liked who he was before he was a champion, who he wa...
RUSSELL CROWE A friend of mine said something powerful at his grandfather's funeral. He said that the greatest...
MARVIN SAPP A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season w...
DOROTHY SHULA My mother Molly had a nervous breakdown after my father Chic died, aged 50. He was a very generous m...
BRIAN COX I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA He said he was having problems with his car. The car engine stopped. And when he went to start it ag...
GREG MACKENZIE When my mother died, my father was in a crisis, my sister was in a crisis, everyone was in a crisis....
STUART ROSE He had 500 dollars in his pocket when he went home (to Missouri), and that was all the money in the ...
CHARLES CHANDLER A good friend of mine, Tom, had $15,000 in credit- card debt. I recommended to him that he go and bu...
DAVID BACH The only one who spoke was a guy who yelled at his friend, 'I told you he wore shoes.'
SHOELESS JOE JACKSON My mother died when I was 12, and right after, my dad died in a car crash. I was 15 and had no famil...
KAROLYN GRIMES He came to the States in 1963, I think with a view to making up with my mother, but that didn't ...
FRANK MCCOURT Like all men with a faculty that surpasses human requirements, his father was very nervous. Then, to...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY See, I was never a guy who had a whole heap of friends to belong to. Besides Greg Fienni, I never re...
MARKUS ZUSAK When I lived in Baltimore, I would come down fairly often to go to the Hirshhorn, and one of my good...
ABBI JACOBSON I have a strong memory of the day I was told that my father had a weak heart and that he had to go t...
ALAN J. HEEGER We were approached by one of our concert sponsors who had a good friend that recently died,
JEFF PETERSEN The guy who killed our son had his car impounded and also had his license suspended, ... But he was ...
DAVID GLEASON My very best friend died in a car accident when I was 16 years old. That was the hardest blow emotio...
AMBER HEARD I was hit by a car when I was 13, and the rumour was immediately that I had been playing chicken wit...
BILL CLEGG His right hemisphere had died. He knew so many people who had died that in his present state of diss...
IAN MCEWAN I remembered his older brother, who had died in Sicily, in battle for the free world- he had barely ...
JAMES BALDWIN Honey, I was 17 when I met him. But I was the last one to see him before he died because we stayed f...
LIZA MINNELLI I worked with Steven Spielberg on 'AI,' and his level of preparation was extraordinary. He t...
BRENDAN GLEESON Life is too brief. I had a friend whom I intended to know better. Yesterday he died.
DAVID GRAYSON He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, while he who has one enemy shall meet him e...
RALPH WALDO EMERSON He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, And he who has one enemy will meet him ev...
RALPH WALDO EMERSON He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, and he who has one enemy will meet him ever...
RALPH WALDO EMERSON Once upon a time there was a bear and a bee who lived in a wood and were the best of friends. All su...
BANKSY One day when I was 8 years old, everyone was talking in hushed tones about a great scientist that ha...
MICHIO KAKU I don't believe in regretting - one should try to move on. My mum was good at that. She was deep...
ROBERT WINSTON He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him e...
ALI IBN-ABI-TALIB He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him...
ALI IBN ABI TALIB When my son was really little, he assumed everyone was on TV because his uncle is on TV, my best fri...
VIRGINIA MADSEN I don?t think anybody ever had a bad word to say about Ben. When you needed a friend, he was there. ...
HAL HONIG When grandpa was ill and could've died, I would have swapped all my record sales so he could get...
MICHAEL BUBLE I remember having my father stand over me when I had driven over my own foot; one leg was out of the...
RANDY BACHMAN The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN A clown I knew who was retiring from Ringling Brothers gave me his giant shoes, and somebody else ma...
WAVY GRAVY I was friends with Russians who said I should see Russia. I went there in '93 and it was so exci...
IAN FRAZIER He had problems remembering names. There was a lot of humor about that at his funeral.
HORACE WILLIAMS My best friend and I went to sleep-away camp every summer. We'd share stories of making out with...
KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN I want to let my friend Buster know that I would like to have dinner with him tonight. Does Buster w...
SUSAN ORLEAN Established politicians are also bumping into a new cast of characters within corridors of legislati...
MOISéS NAíM I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend's garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I...
STEVE JOBS When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a l...
RAY BRADBURY Having a Mary Poppins-themed birthday party when I was 5 - all my friends went in dresses, and I wen...
POPPY DELEVINGNE Lloyd was a great friend, and he died too soon.
TOM FOLEY He remembered Tessa weeping in his arms in Paris, and thinking that he had never known the loss she ...
CASSANDRA CLARE It's a great cause. I had a mother who died of cancer when I was young.
JOE SUSTERSIC It was 30 years too late for all of us. Poor Ed Wood died broke. He depended on his friends. It's to...
CONRAD BROOKS That Tuesday was his first or second day on the job, ... He was going to go into One World Trade, th...
BERNARD KERIK When he was in the police officers squad car, he was shaking, after I had even put a coat on him.
CASSANDRA NAUS I also had a brother who was like me a musician and a composer. A man of great talent, far more gift...
GUSTAV MAHLER He who has a thousand friends
Has not a friend to spare,
While he who has one enemy
Shall m...
RALPH WALDO EMERSON If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into ...
HUNTER S. THOMPSON But anybody with any credibility at the time accepted that was Emmett's body, including the sheriff....
DAVID BEITO My sporting hero was Drazen Petrovic, the NBA basketball player, who was killed in a car accident in...
GORAN IVANISEVIC All five of us are trying to race for the championship. It's silly to help anyone when you're going ...
MATT KENSETH The main character is a clown who is dreaming of his funeral. He's wondering who is going to say goo...
ALISON CRAWFORD Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere, Heaven did a recompense as largely send; He gave t...
THOMAS GRAY My dad was a rebel. A half-destroyed history book hidden in his room, friends at his funeral I knew ...
KIERA CASS For the song 'Truth or Consequence,' me and [bassist Mick Morris] had this friend from Salt Lake Cit...
JAMES HART They found the manager of that building right underneath that blanket. His name was Carlos Garcia. H...
GARY MICHIELS There was this one guy who used to come into this one club all the time, ... and he had these glasse...
EDWARD NORTON He apparently was standing beside his car when he was struck by another car.
MARK YORK He really loved baseball and loved being on the field. But Mantle was lonely in a lot of ways. He ha...
JANE LEAVY When I first signed on to play Tommen, I started speculating about when he was going to die. I sort ...
DEAN-CHARLES CHAPMAN I have a friend who redid her son's room while he went away to camp,
DEBBIE TRAVIS He took the keys to a customer's car, went out but was unable to unlock the car door,
MARK HYDE How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful.
EVANS G. VALENS I went to my friend's house one day, and he had an electric guitar he had just bought with a tin...
ACE FREHLEY My friend was eaten alive by this bacteria . His legs, his arms were eaten, his intestines were eate...
STEPHANIE SOFOS No one is a friend to his friend who does not love in return.
PLATO Not everyone who died had left a "memory" and not everyone who had left a memory had left a "blessed...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR (Billy) Graham went through passages of hypochondria and his closest friends had to assure him that ...
NANCY GIBBS; MICHAEL DUFFY The other argument for Sutter is 'dominance,' the notion that he was a player who was a special one ...
JOE SHEEHAN The delight a friend feels when he hears a friends voice bring all that matters. There are those who...
JALAL AD-DIN RUMI Chris was a friend of mine, I loved him. I didn't see him for 18 months before he died, but I...
MARGOT KIDDER (Rafferty) chose not to see his kids when he killed Steven Spade.
BECKY DOHERTY There are hundreds of Frank Lloyd Wright buildings around the United States and in other countries, ...
JANE SMILEY I was the class clown so I was used to performing and fooling around in front of my friends.
DOMINIC MONAGHAN I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season w...
DOROTHY SHULA

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STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT