I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.

If you wear a wig, everybody notices. But if you then dye the wig, people notice the dye.

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

I've decided something: Commercial things really do stink. As soon as it becomes commercial for a mass market it really stinks.

I always wished I had died, and I still wish that, because I could have gotten the whole thing over with.