I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.