I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


Groucho Marx

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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
MOLIERE
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN
The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
It was a beautiful experience for her, the experience that she had that she confesses. It wasn't...
ANDREW MCCARTHY
Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX
How could you have had such a wonderful life as me if there wasn't a God directing?
MAUREEN O'HARA
How could you have had such a wonderful life as me if there wasn't a God directing?
MAUREEN O'HARA
The thing that made Groucho special was the way he used his body parts. He also had a wicked tongue....
SIDNEY SHELDON
I love motherhood. I certainly wasn't aware of any mothering instincts until I had babies. I was...
DEIRDRE O'KANE
If the same phrase in the same place created the right effect, I was perfectly prepared to use it ev...
ALEXIS KORNER
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it
GROUCHO MARX
Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER
I am the luckiest novelist in the world. I was a first-time novelist who wasn't awash in rejecti...
VIKAS SWARUP
Real socialism is inside man. It wasn't born with Marx. It was in the communes of Italy in the M...
DARIO FO
I wasn't being bullied at school at this point. I had a group of friends, and I was isolated bec...
RANDY HARRISON
I always felt out of place. I wasn't a cool kid, but I wasn't a nerd, either. I had trouble ...
BRITTANY HOWARD
I wasn't unhappy, but I was a little like: 'Is this it? Really?' I was thirsty.
ADAM LAMBERT
My childhood wasn't full of wonderful culinary memories.
THOMAS KELLER
I had a lot of fun driving race cars, but it wasn't my No. 1 priority.
CARROLL SHELBY
Then there was Clark Ashton Smith, who wrote for Weird Tales and who had a wild imagination. He wasn...
JACK VANCE
Depression, for me, wasn't a dulling but a sharpening, an intensifying, as though I had been liv...
MATT HAIG
I wanted to play blues. But I wasn't blue enough. I wasn't like Muddy Waters, people who rea...
CHUCK BERRY
I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD
I went into acting because I had to make a good living. I had a child now and I had to support him a...
DAVID SOUL
I had a really lovely childhood, but I wasn't the easiest kid to live with.
RACHEL KELLER
I was in seventh grade math class, and we had this thing called Number Sense. So, I wasn't on th...
MICHAEL DELL
I had between 20 and 40 songs for 'Detox,' and I just couldn't feel it. Usually, I can h...
DR. DRE
I am a product of nepotism. I don't think I would have had the profession that I'm in curren...
JEFF BRIDGES
I didn't have time for my children much. I wasn't a very good parent; I had a pretty unhappy...
CARROLL SHELBY
But movies as much as anything developed what I thought was right and wrong, what was honorable, wha...
DABNEY COLEMAN
I was seen as a little weirdo. But I was certain I wasn't a weirdo. I knew who the weirdos were,...
KATHERINE RYAN
When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in...
DICK GREGORY
They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't on that particular job.
BRIAN CLOUGH
When I showed up at UH, my hair was past my waist. I had a goatee. I wasn't a theater geek; I wa...
BRETT CULLEN
I wasn't a shrinking violet when I joined Fox News. I didn't have any power at Fox - I had n...
MEGYN KELLY
I wasn't intending to create a comic strip to begin with. So I think I wasn't aware that whe...
CATHY GUISEWITE
Being on the run wasn't fun, but it was something I had to do. I was actually working in legitim...
KEVIN MITNICK
I was one of those kids who had never seen an indie film before I got to college. If it wasn't a...
JOHN KRASINSKI
I have this want-to-be-liked thing, but deep down, I had this rage. I was just - I was blinded. I wa...
GERRY COONEY
I never had a speech from my father 'this is what you must do or shouldn't do' but I jus...
ADAM SANDLER
I wasn't a hacker for the money, and it wasn't to cause damage.
KEVIN MITNICK
In the years since I worked with John Hughes, there were many years where I literally had hundred of...
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL
I had thought about landing in the Kremlin, but there wasn't enough space.
MATHIAS RUST
When I started on 'Roseanne,' it was a great achievement for me at the time. But I wasn'...
JOHNNY GALECKI
I always just wanted to be the singer or the bass player in the band. I'd love to have a band, w...
BRYAN ADAMS
I wanted to have a label to not only release my own stuff but to also give young talent a chance to ...
MARTIN GARRIX
When I lost my record deal, and my phone wasn't ringing, I realized that I had to reassess who V...
VESTA WILLIAMS
At one stage, I didn't have any money, so I slept on the streets for a few nights. It wasn't...
KERRY STOKES
I've sort of had an investigatory relationship with being a musician. I really wasn't sure w...
ERIC AVERY
I wasn't always this introverted.
SYD BARRETT
I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way.
DANNY KAYE
I really like my first movie a lot, 'Kicking and Screaming.' I think it's a - I'm ve...
NOAH BAUMBACH
I wasn't hip to 'Samurai Jack' until I saw it, but then I was all, 'This show is awe...
JOHN DIMAGGIO
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
I saw myself as a trailblazer in the 1980s as a female lawyer in the City. It was exciting, as women...
MICHELLE PAVER
The answer isn't more time but a greater awareness of the time we have.
CRAIG GROESCHEL
I really wasn't even aware that Batman and Superman had this kind of grudging friendship.
MARK VALLEY
I think it's nice to have children. I didn't have many, and while I don't sit around reg...
LULU
I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't fun. It's just a whole different thing these days.
BILL KREUTZMANN
I wasn't a visionary but I literally had my finger on the pulse of the women of America.
PAT BENATAR
I realized that I had screwed up my life living different parts of my life in different places. I wa...
JAMES MCGREEVEY
I was signed to a record label when I was younger. I was in a group, and I just wasn't - persona...
TIKA SUMPTER
It wasn't all frustration. I've had a lot of good times with Ferrari as well.
JEAN ALESI
In 1979, when I was 39, I had such a bad year, I thought it was all over. Thankfully it wasn't.
JACK NICKLAUS
This left-wing kind of speech, the Robin Hood thing that Pablo had, of course he was a criminal and ...
WAGNER MOURA
I wasn't that hard. I wasn't that tough. I wasn't that funny - I looked like me.
EDDIE MARSAN
My roles in the '80s were, like, gender dysphoric. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't this, I was...
PAMELA ADLON
My parents were supportive. I didn't have good grades, but they could tell I wasn't lazy.
BILL HADER
I've passed up on many a thing that could have made me a big artist or something. Like, I was of...
CHARLI XCX
I was born three weeks early, and I kept being ill. From the age of zero to four, I was always in ho...
LIAM PAYNE
I was happy, I wasn't beaten, and I lacked nothing. But it wasn't what people expect - it wa...
KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS
I had done some TV movies that were great experiences but, no, I wasn't looking to do a series.
VICTOR GARBER
I love the entertainment business. I have a lot of friends in it, but it wasn't my passion. The ...
CASEY WASSERMAN
You don't have the judgment after you've had the drink. If something truly catastrophic had ...
TRACEY GOLD
I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn't pronounce m...
BARBARA WALTERS
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX
I don't want to come off like the jealous brother who wasn't getting the attention, but it w...
JACK OSBOURNE
With 'Taxi Driver,' I had this eureka moment. I realized that acting could be much more than...
JODIE FOSTER
Even when my parents were together, they both had to travel and work, and it wasn't like they ha...
GEORGIA JAGGER
I wasted time writing films. I don't look back on those years as lost, but it wasn't what I ...
JAMES SALTER
Off, end this lies it's not awesome. Please take this crap, second very clever and smart, but I want...
DEYTH BANGER
At the age of 11 I was about 6 ft. tall and my voice had completely broken. That caused problems. I ...
DAN STEVENS
I wasn't some weird loner in school, but I definitely wasn't invited to any of the cool part...
PAUL WESLEY
I was naturally skinny and had braces, so I wasn't a cute model.
AMANDA SEYFRIED
I think English punk died in '79 or '80. Maybe '82 at the latest. As far as American pun...
GREG GRAFFIN
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE
Volleyball was a lot of fun, but I knew it wasn't my sport.
ELENA DELLE DONNE
I grew up thinking there was something called 'independent film,' which I wouldn't neces...
IRA SACHS
I wasn't good at examinations, but I went to a very good secondary school - Bolton-on-Dearne - w...
BRIAN BLESSED
I wasn't as big a comic book aficionado as some of my friends, but I definitely had some Batman ...
ROBIN LORD TAYLOR
I didn't get upset because I wasn't nominated, but I was a little surprised.
BRUCE BERESFORD
I was in a group called Wild Orchid and it just wasn't working. I wasn't being myself. What ...
FERGIE
I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself tal...
RANDY NEWMAN

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
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No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
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I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
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A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
[When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX
I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX