Mitch Hedberg quote: "I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'"

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG

You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG

I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG

My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG

A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG

Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG

Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG

Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG

My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG

I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG

“S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG

You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG

I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG

There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG

I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG

I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG

I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG

I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG

I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG

I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG

Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG

I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG

What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG

I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG

COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG

I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG

I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG

the best plan is changeable
MITCH

They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG

On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG

She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG

No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG

Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG

Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG

People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR

When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS

I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL

I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR

We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL

The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL

My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM

We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL

People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM

If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM

My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM

Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM

You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE

Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM

You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM

Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM

Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM

You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM

But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM

I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM

So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM

Mitch Hedberg

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