I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE." Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."