I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.