I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.