I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.

I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.

If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.

Why are you waiting so long to report your stolen car to the police? I'm giving them time to fix it.

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.

My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.