I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sh*t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.


Mitch Hedberg

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You cant live champagne life,if you cant buy beer.
I DONT KNOW
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
MARK TWAIN
Aye, well, I've got my garden.
LIKE I
I told my Nike representative, 'Why didn't you guys use me for this?''' Williams said, laughing.
LIKE I
On the interception, I was out of bounds,
LIKE I
casually made his 'abort black fetuses' argument.
LIKE I
I can field my position. If I start worrying about being ready for a line drive too soon that means ...
LIKE I
I told him that he played a great game,'' said Falcons quarterback Michael Vick , who like Manning w...
LIKE I
I was so concerned with getting the ball out of my hands and not taking the sack, that sometimes I t...
LIKE I
I knew I had to throw the ball better,'' Manning said of his poor start.
LIKE I
I think the reason that I have that title or that moniker is because people don't know what to expec...
LIKE I
You're either ready and prepared to take on the task, or you're not,'' he said.
LIKE I
I did not have one butterfly out there today,'' he said.
LIKE I
Married to the Mob.
LIKE I
Hello you're with Drudge.
LIKE I
I don't expect Christian Fundamentalists to reach out to me. They are adamant that homosexuals are i...
LIKE I
throw enough shit at the wall and some should stick?
LIKE I
I'm not happy, that's all I can say about it,'' he said.
LIKE I
I know who you are. You wrote a book about my dad.
BRETT HULL
I am free only because my source, my one confidential source, wrote me a personal letter and called ...
JUDITH MILLER
How do I let the director know how obsessed I am and willing to do anything for the movie? Like, I w...
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Get this (economic plan) passed. Later on, we can all debate it.
, TO NEW HAMPSHIRE LEGISLATORS
I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.
MARK TWAIN
I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.
MARK TWAIN
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to re...
BERYL PFIZER
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG
I thought I would write a love letter. But then, I wrote a book." - Suzy Davies, on "Johari's Window
SUZY DAVIES
I used to be a calligrapher for weddings and events - that was my side job while I was auditioning. ...
MEGHAN MARKLE
I never really anticipated this kind of impact when I wrote this letter to Director Mueller two week...
COLEEN ROWLEY
You know when I really realized like "wow" what a gift this is was when I sang at camp and a girl wr...
CHARLES KING
I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved it.
MARK TWAIN
My first real writing job was at 'Rolling Stone,' so I wrote about rock-and-roll and politic...
TIM CAHILL
you weren't mine to begin with.
IAIN S. THOMAS
I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it. About a politician ...
MARK TWAIN
You know when I really realized like 'wow' what a gift this is was when I sang at camp and a...
CHARLES KING
What I wrote... wasn't crazy... or a bullshit... or nonsense... it was what I saw!
DEYTH BANGER
It's a sad day. I wrote him a big long letter for his birthday Saturday. I was going to call him but...
JOE GLOWACKI
I wrote 'Lights' a long, long time ago. And I expected it to be on the album, because it was...
ELLIE GOULDING
I've found a letter that was written to me from a girl who was getting married. And she wanted t...
NANCY REAGAN
As soon as I began, it seemed impossible to write fast enough - I wrote faster than I would write a ...
HELEN HUNT JACKSON
I wrote a letter to him and told him to hurry back, I needed a sparring partner,
JIM CALHOUN
For me, being a writer was never a choice. I was born one. All through my childhood I wrote short st...
LAURA HILLENBRAND
My wife noticed that I wrote really good complaint letters about faulty products and that I could ge...
BRIAN HERBERT
I have already joined myself in marriage to a husband, namely the kingdom of England.
ELIZABETH I (SPOKEN TO HER PARLAMENT)
It was my 16th birthday - my mom and dad gave me my Goya classical guitar that day. I sat down, wrot...
STEVIE NICKS
Every woman and every man is God the Father's wife when the faithful soul is joined to our Lord Jesu...
ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI (LETTER TO THE FAITHFUL I
Every woman and every man is the mother of God when we carry Jesus in our heart and body through a d...
ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI (LETTER TO THE FAITHFUL I
Woman is always fickle - foolish is he who trusts her.
FRANCIS I
Long ailments wear out pain, and long hopes, joy.
STANISLAUS I
Youth is the first victim of war; the first fruit of peace. It takes 20 years or more of peace to ma...
BAUDOUIN I
Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.
NAPOLEON I
When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty.
GREGORY I
One should act in consonance with the way of heaven and earth, which is enduring and eternal. The su...
I CHING
The quiet and solitary man apprehends the inscrutable. He seeks nothing, holds to the mean, and rema...
I CHING
Great effort is required to arrest decay and restore vigor. One must exercise proper deliberation, p...
I CHING
Before a thunderstorm there is a build-up of tension which is only relieved by the explosive force o...
I CHING
Creativity comes from awakening and directing men's higher natures, which originate in the primal de...
I CHING
The way of the creative works through change and transformation, so that each thing receives its tru...
I CHING
Change is certain. Peace is followed by disturbances; departure of evil men by their return. Such re...
I CHING
The responses of human beings vary greatly under dangerous circumstances. The strong man advances bo...
I CHING
A person in danger should not try to escape at one stroke. He should first calmly hold his own, then...
I CHING
He who possesses the source of enthusiasm will achieve great things. Doubt not. You will gather frie...
I CHING
Although I may not be a lioness, I am a lion's cub, and inherit many of his qualities; and as long a...
ELIZABETH I
Fiat justitia et pereat mundus.
Let justice be done, though the world perish.
FERDINAND I
Though God hath raised me high, yet this I count the glory of my crown: that I have reigned with you...
ELIZABETH I
I am your anointed Queen. I will never be by violence constrained to do anything. I thank God I am e...
ELIZABETH I
Never make a defense or apology before you are accused.
CHARLES I
It takes twenty years or more of peace to make a man; it takes only twenty seconds of war to destroy...
BAUDOUIN I
Must! Is must a word to be addressed to princes? Little man, little man! thy father, if he had been ...
ELIZABETH I
Everything proceeds as if of its own accord, and this can all too easily tempt us to relax and let t...
I CHING
In a few years there will be only five kings in the world -- the King of England and the four kings ...
FAROUK I
Never make a defence or apology before you be accused.
CHARLES I
The daughter of debate That still discord doth sow.
ELIZABETH I
'Twas God the word that spake it, He took the bread and brake it, And what the word did make i...
ELIZABETH I
If I follow the inclination of my nature, it is this: beggar-woman and single, far rather than queen...
ELIZABETH I
When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty
GREGORY I
The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delig...
I. KRISHNAMURTI
People are not an interruption of our business. People are our business.
A man's worst difficulties begin when he is able to do as he likes.
It is hard to look up to a leader who keeps his ear to the ground.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
The more intelligent a man is, the more originality he discovers in men. Ordinary people see no diff...
The intelligence is proved not by ease of learning, but by understanding what we learn.
Communication is something so simple and difficult that we can never put it in simple words.
Like threads of silver seen through crystal beads
Let love through good deeds show.
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.
ELIZABETH I
In everyone's heart stirs a great homesickness.
That is the supreme value of history. The study of it is the best guarantee against repeating it.
It is a natural virtue incident to our sex to be pitiful of those that are afflicted.
ELIZABETH I
A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing.
ELIZABETH I
There is one thing higher than Royalty: and that is religion, which causes us to leave the world, an...
ELIZABETH I
If we still advise we shall never do.
ELIZABETH I
Those who appear the most sanctified are the worst.
ELIZABETH I
Though I am not imperial, and though Elizabeth may not deserve it, the Queen of England will easily ...
ELIZABETH I
The word must is not to be used to princes.
ELIZABETH I
The end crowneth the work.
ELIZABETH I
A fool too late bewares when all the peril is past.
ELIZABETH I
Brass shines as fair to the ignorant as gold to the goldsmiths.
ELIZABETH I
One man with a head on his shoulders is worth a dozen without.
ELIZABETH I

More Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG
You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG
A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG
I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG
My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG
My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG
A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG
Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG
Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG
Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG
I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG
“S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG
Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG
You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG
If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG
There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG
Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG
Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG
I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG
I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG
I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG
I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG
I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG
Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG
COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG
Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG
the best plan is changeable
MITCH
They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG
On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG
No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG
Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG
People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR
When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS
I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL
I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR
We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL
The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL
My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM
We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL
People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM
If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM
My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM
Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM
You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE
Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM
You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM
Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM
Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM
You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM
But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM
I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM
So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM