If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Ah, man, if I could ever hook up with Tom Waits, I'd be the happiest camper in Yellowstone, alright? That's the one guy.

If I could sing, I wouldn't be a guitarist.

If I could live in a cabaret, I would. If I could live in 'Moulin Rouge,' I would.

If I could remember the names of all these particles, I'd be a botanist.

If I could marry my motorcycle, I'd roll her right up to the altar.