If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.