If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.