If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.