You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.