Im James Bond. Im Jason Bourne. Im Super-freaking-Mario come to life.

Life is funny like that,

Sam: I burst my ear drum today Jacob: how? Sam: sitting in an old peoples cafe Jacob: What? Sam: oh no, not you to...

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

We all have moments when we think nobody sees us. When we feel like we have to act out or be somebody else to get noticed. But somebody notices, Topher. Somebody sees. Somebody out there probably thinks you're the greatest thing in the whole world. Don't ever think you're not good enough.

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.

This was not one of those times.