I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is - and it's me.

God bless those pagans.

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers

Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.