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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.


Jon Stewart

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AMBER FAITH HUN All my life Ive known better than to depend on the experts. How could I have been so stupid, to let ...
JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY Hes the smartest dog Ive ever had,
PETER GOULD Shes been the biggest nightmare for me. Ive lost to her the most than any other player.
MEGHANN SHAUGHNESSY I immediately said to myself Ive got to do something, ... Ive got to help as many as I can. I am not...
AMY COLLINS He was ego-free, which was very rare in the design student world. Most design students had lots of e...
LEANDER KAHNEY Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But Im not concerned about ...
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. Ive found the true meaning of love, when I laid my heart in your hands
MARIE CHAIDEZ I always thought Jon Stewart was an extremely good surgeon with his scalpel. He would have Republica...
GREG GUTFELD I dont believe in luck. Ive only ever felt lucky finding God and even that was not by chance.
MEG NEZAJ Ive loved you my whole life, I just didnt know it until now
~ANYA SUNDQUIST~ I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES (Assistant) coach (Jon) Owen and I have been telling them since two-a-days that our offense is going...
JOE LEVENS Ive never known a person to live to one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.
JOSH BILLINGS Ive said many a time that I think the Un-American Activities Committee in the House of Representativ...
HARRY S TRUMAN Yes, Haven, most of us enjoy preaching, and Ive got such a bully pulpit!
THEODORE ROOSEVELT Ive done Hay Fever and this one was called Another Time by Ronald Harwood.
JEFFREY JONES Ive often thought that if our zoning boards could be put in charge of botanists, of zoologists and g...
WILLIAM O. DOUGLAS firestar: jayfeather what does mallow look like?
jayfeather: i dont know, ive never seen any
ERIN HUNTER The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jo...
STEPHEN COLBERT For the last two days, some people in the country were trying to create an impression that parliamen...
SONIA GANDHI LOVE is only-(L)ive (O)ut positi(VE) or (L)ots (O)f +VE
ANUJ SOMANY Shes become the heart and soul of the team. Shes the true center half weve been missing the five yea...
EVA LANG Usually, the drug of choice for African-Americans is cocaine, ... Ive battled with it even though I ...
BRIAN CALDWELL Ive created a new drink! I'm calling it the Piñata Colada! Its sweet and tasty, but when you wake u...
JOSé N. HARRIS I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he&...
NORM MACDONALD Im not a politician and my other habits are good. Ive no enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. Bu...
ARTEMUS WARD Jon Stewart and George Clooney made a skit in my bed and my bedroom ... (that) will be on the Academ...
DORIS PINTER She's been sick the past couple days, but I think she must have gotten over it.
ALI THORDERSON Ive been waiting for this moment,
The one where looking back doesn't seem fascinating anymore ...
NIKKI ROWE I always wished I had died, and I still wish that, because I could have gotten the whole thing over ...
ANDY WARHOL I wouldn't expect a hack writer who looks like a bad case of hemorrhoids to say anything interesting...
STEVE IVERSON Ive had the best possible chance of learning that what the working-classes really need is to be allo...
HENRIK IBSEN We're talking to Jon Stewart, who was just lecturing us on our moral inferiority. Jon, you're bummin...
TUCKER CARLSON Our end goal -- I'll stop the show and die a happy man -- is if we could get Larry J. Sabato and Jon...
JOSH CINCINNATI I think since we've been practicing and gotten over the Auburn game and put that behind us, we've go...
KYLE TATUM Its amazing, I cant ask for anything more as a birthday gift, ... Ive wanted to win a big race like ...
BOBBY BUTLER The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction...
JON STEWART I watch Jon Stewart because I need to laugh. Otherwise, life gets too serious. Besides that, I don&#...
BRUCE LIPTON Looks like my baby dont live here no more...thats alright, ive still got my guitar.....................
JIMI HENDRIX You take those matches we should have won like Jarrell and Jon, we were right in there. I know both ...
DON EGGENBURG I've never gotten that many at-bats in a season. I've always wondered what I could do over a full se...
XAVIER NADY Though a bit difficult, I had fun learning Tagalog. It was important to me that I learned the dictio...
JASMINE TRIAS Canada is Canada. We all talk about how we could have two teams and we probably could. We all know t...
BRAD RICHARDS We've been talking about it the past two months. My impression is he's very interested (in returning...
HERB RUDOY It was only two days of rain then. We've gotten ... how many days of rain in the last two weeks?
ED YOUMANS I wish that Internet safety could be taught at every middle school in the country, over two, three o...
GLENA RECORDS I am excited about it. I am flattered. I am also aware that it's a great responsibility having to ta...
HECTOR RODRIGUEZ It's actually two-fold. I always wanted the No. 35 or the No. 20. Seeing that 20 belongs to Jon [Gar...
BRANDON MCCARTHY I wish I could have gotten in there and played a little bit more, but I didn't get the chance to do ...
ANTHONY MORELLI This bridge will only take you halfway there, to those mysterious lands you long to see. Through gyp...
SHEL SILVERSTEIN I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that Iv...
WILL ROGERS This is going to take a few days to get over. But it shows our formula works, that we can compete wi...
DIRK KOETTER I've always been under the impression that it would be such a bummer to be in a peaceful place l...
SHAUN WHITE I think it's the fairest way of doing it, over two days. They had originally talked about just takin...
STEVEN NYMAN New York markets have been up for the last four or five days so you have a little bit of profit-taki...
BRUCE LATIMER It's kinda me and Jon Stewart have a pact together - so he's making me famous in the Western...
BASSEM YOUSSEF South Africa is the most beautiful country I have been to. Canada is also hugely underrated.
HONOR BLACKMAN I've always been fascinated by Martha Stewart,
MARK BURNETT My mom, she is the most unbelievable mom that you could ever have in your entire life and she's alwa...
DAKOTA FANNING It?s always been two countries that can win the gold. I think Canada is too much ahead in this Olymp...
MATS NASLUND I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. ...
MEGYN KELLY We had two people all over him. I don't know if anybody could have defended that play any better. Th...
JOBY SCROGGS One person's car is another person's scenery.
JONATHAN IVE It never ceases to amaze me what it takes to develop and bring to mass production a product.
JONATHAN IVE It is sad that so many designers don't know how to make. CAD software can make a bad design look...
JONATHAN IVE What we make testifies who we are. People can sense care and can sense carelessness. This relates to...
JONATHAN IVE You cannot disconnect the form from the material - the material informs the form.
JONATHAN IVE The computer industry is creatively bankrupt.
JONATHAN IVE One of the things that is particularly precious about working at Apple is that many of us on the des...
JONATHAN IVE There is a clear goal and it isn't to make money. The goal is to desperately try to make the bes...
JONATHAN IVE We shouldn't be afraid to fail- if we are not failing we are not pushing. 80% of the stuff in th...
JONATHAN IVE Our goal is simple objects, objects that you can't imagine any other way.
JONATHAN IVE I like to work in a small team. There is only 18 of us on the design team. Nobody has ever left.
JONATHAN IVE When something exceeds your ability to understand how it works, it sort of becomes magical.
JONATHAN IVE Every new car, you open the door, and you look at all those internal mellifluous swoopy bits, and th...
JONATHAN IVE I feel that it's lovely when, as a user, you're not aware of the complexity.
JONATHAN IVE My father was a very good craftsman. He made furniture, he made silverware and he had an incredible ...
JONATHAN IVE Once, even the simple metal needle challenged the conventional thinking of a time.
JONATHAN IVE At the start of the process the idea is just a thought - very fragile and exclusive. When the first ...
JONATHAN IVE Different' and 'new' is relatively easy. Doing something that's genuinely better is ...
JONATHAN IVE If you are truly innovating, you don't have a prototype you can refer to.
JONATHAN IVE There's no learning without trying lots of ideas and failing lots of times.
JONATHAN IVE If something is not good enough, stop doing it.
JONATHAN IVE The best ideas start as conversations.
JONATHAN IVE It's easy to think that craft can't change but important to remember that all craft process ...
JONATHAN IVE Innovation at Apple has always been a team game. It has always been a case where you have a number o...
JONATHAN IVE There is beauty when something works and it works intuitively.
JONATHAN IVE Simplicity is not the absence of clutter, that's a consequence of simplicity. Simplicity is some...
JONATHAN IVE 'Design' is a word that's come to mean so much that it's also a word that has come t...
JONATHAN IVE With a father who is a fabulous craftsman, I was raised with the fundamental belief that it is only ...
JONATHAN IVE If you expect me to buy something where all I can sense is carelessness, actually I think that is pe...
JONATHAN IVE I always like when you start to use something with a little less reverence. You start to use it a li...
JONATHAN IVE People's interest is in the product, not in its authorship.
JONATHAN IVE There was a 'Wired' cover that had a big Apple logo with a crown of barbed wire as thorns, a...
JONATHAN IVE What I love about the creative process, and this may sound naive, but it is this idea that one day t...
JONATHAN IVE We all use something - you can't drill holes with your fingers. Whether it's a knife, a need...
JONATHAN IVE I think subconsciously people are remarkably discerning. I think that they can sense care.
JONATHAN IVE I don't know how we can compare the old watches we know with the functionality and the capabilit...
JONATHAN IVE We won't be different for different's sake. Different is easy... make it pink and fluffy! Be...
JONATHAN IVE

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JON STEWART If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
JON STEWART Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
JON STEWART If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
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JON STEWART I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
JON STEWART Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
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JON STEWART We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been loo...
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JON STEWART If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they...
JON STEWART It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what...
JON STEWART Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians ca...
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JON STEWART Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
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JON STEWART We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the b...
JON STEWART For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't… you know, it's inter...
JON STEWART But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-b...
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JON STEWART We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings d...
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JON STEWART As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars...
JON STEWART Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that la...
JON STEWART I always knew I shouldn't have said that.
JON STEWART Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fat...
JON STEWART I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually c...
JON STEWART That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps...
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JON STEWART I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the...
JON STEWART I can't emphasize this enough.
JON STEWART I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and sa...
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JON STEWART If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.
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JON STEWART Germany didn't want to got to war (in Iraq). I don't know how to say it any more simply than that.
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JON STEWART We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been loo...
JON STEWART No. I'm not going to be your monkey.
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JON STEWART Ultimately, people would respond a lot better to being treated like adults ... if politics wasn't tr...
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JON STEWART Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages.
JON STEWART If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
JON STEWART Too Late
JON STEWART Getting between him and his fans -- I don?t think it?s the P. I think it?s the bodyguards,
JON STEWART [IN THE SIX-AND-A-HALF YEARS since he took over] The Daily Show, ... The Late Late Show.
JON STEWART How come they're the most excited people here tonight?
JON STEWART How come they are the most excited people here? That's how you pick up an Oscar.
JON STEWART That's how you accept an Oscar.
JON STEWART And so I appreciate that, and I thank you for it. And I hope that your colleagues let you still eat ...
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JON STEWART The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member school...
JON STEWART The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blam...
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JON STEWART I don't know that much about women,
JON STEWART You're dealing with a show where the lead character is making the irritating and uncomfortable choic...
JON STEWART If I had to go out there and surf, that would be a problem. But you know, it's just comedy.
JON STEWART You're killing me here. Are you freaking out on us? Are you going into crazy-base world?
JON STEWART We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump.
JON STEWART Hollander said. ''He suggested maybe making four or five alternatives.
JON STEWART Brown was nominated to the post by President Bush in 2003, ... And (he) intends to start the job any...
JON STEWART McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
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JON STEWART Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have unde...
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JON STEWART Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to t...
JON STEWART You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.
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JON STEWART Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
JON STEWART Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not...
JON STEWART If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, bu...
JON STEWART Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and...
JON STEWART And George Bush hates black --
JON STEWART If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
JON STEWART Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote i...
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JON STEWART I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
JON STEWART Don't worry, ... as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
JON STEWART Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...yo...
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JON STEWART Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. One difference, and I'll say this, the only diff...
JON STEWART Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pag...
JON STEWART I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous.
JON STEWART I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
JON STEWART Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.
JON STEWART The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to pe...
JON STEWART He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything,
JON STEWART There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people ...
JON STEWART I feel your scorn and I accept it.
JON STEWART Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.I'm sorry, what was that last on...
JON STEWART The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be deter...
JON STEWART We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
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JON STEWART Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.
JON STEWART As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.
JON STEWART I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
JON STEWART In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid o...
JON STEWART As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressiv...
JON STEWART Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
JON STEWART The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride arou...
JON STEWART Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a...
JON STEWART If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fuckin...
JON STEWART I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Chene...
JON STEWART It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jerse...
JON STEWART You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is p...
JON STEWART Attacks on a politician's identity - questioning Romney's religion, say, or Obama's birt...
JON MEACHAM No family gets rich from earning the minimum wage. In fact, the current minimum wage does not even l...
JON CORZINE If you want something, you can't wait for someone to make it happen for you.
JON HUERTAS Ever since I read 'Kitchen Confidential,' I saw a little light bulb go off. Being a chef is ...
JON FAVREAU I've been fascinated by the world ever since I read 'Kitchen Confidential' by Anthony Bo...
JON FAVREAU 'Swagger' would be the word for 'Dirt On My Boots.' With the real funky drum loop an...
JON PARDI I was 22 and had worked on Wall Street for a year, and quit my job. I bought a motorcycle and sort o...
JON FAVREAU I'm not going chic, I swear. The geek endures. But, I mean, a snazzy cool suit looks good.
JON HEDER One of the things that makes our military the best in the world is the certain knowledge of each sol...
JON KYL I can be a traditionalist but also play with Luke Bryan and get the crowd to go crazy. I think that ...
JON PARDI With the perspective afforded by the passage of time, where does 9/11 rank as a turning point in our...
JON MEACHAM All of a sudden, I was a young kid in my early 20s, and I had a couple of Broadway shows to my credi...
JON TENNEY I saw rock n' roll future and its name is Bruce Springsteen.
JON LANDAU Movies like 'Chef' are not really box-office monsters in the summertime and don't really...
JON FAVREAU I toured around the country and met all these Broadway producers who put me in all these Neil Simon ...
JON TENNEY Environmental concern is a little like dieting or paying off credit-card debt - an episodically terr...
JON MEACHAM There's something real in women's intuition. It's an accurate signpost for decision maki...
JON VOIGHT When it comes to celebrities and tabloids, to me that is a bummer. That's a little disappointing...
JON FAVREAU Many students graduate from college and professional schools, including those of social work, nursin...
JON PORTER When Iron Man's flying, we'd send real planes up to do the choreography so that we'd get...
JON FAVREAU A lot of people, including business leaders, think the future belongs to China. Globalization is not...
JON MEACHAM People selling content internationally need to be highly focused on selling the right product to the...
JON FELTHEIMER As a member of Congress, and a parent, I understand the importance of ensuring that families are abl...
JON PORTER Owners who buy aggressive dogs for security may be kidding themselves: The chances that the victim o...
JON KATZ When the Beatles wrote 'Paperback Writer,' it couldn't have been the same old thing. You...
JON BATISTE I think that generally music should be a positive thing, I like Bob Marley's attitude: he said t...
JON FISHMAN I was born in March 1949, a post war baby boomer.
JON ENGLISH 'Just looking at pictures' used to be considered cheating. No longer. The graphic novel is b...
JON SCIESZKA 'The Royals' has emerged as a breakout series that has become one of E Network's highest...
JON FELTHEIMER A tiny little baby!' says Tam. 'People look at me like I'm an animal. People who don't know me judge...
JON RONSON I'd like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radic...
JON KRAKAUER Happiness [is] only real when shared
JON KRAKAUER It's not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.
JON KRAKAUER You can lay down and die, or you can get up and fight, but that's it -- there's no turning back.
JON ENGLISH Yeah, that's the ticket.
JON LOVITZ I can't read lips unless they're touching mine.
JON TROAST James Taylor may be an all-American boy but he isn't Horatio Alger, and the lionizing of many ro...
JON LANDAU Words without deeds is an affront to the principle that guides our Nation and makes a mockery of the...
JON CORZINE Some people think we're adrift without any guidelines. I don't. I think we've had instru...
JON VOIGHT I would still rather be in Silicon Alley. I like the West Coast also, but it's sort of fragmente...
JON ORINGER I am a huge admirer of Franklin Roosevelt's, and I believe social security has done untold good ...
JON MEACHAM Among the many problems with taking the Bible literally is it reduces the most mysterious and comple...
JON MEACHAM Goats are the cable talk show panelists of the animal world, ready at a moment's notice to inter...
JON KATZ One wonders whether the Obama re-election campaign may be on the right track as it seeks to apply th...
JON MEACHAM 'Sing It Again Rod' touches all the solo bases since Stewart's departure from the Jeff B...
JON LANDAU I like hearing fiddles, steel guitar, acoustics up loud - really rock & roll stuff but with a co...
JON PARDI If a person is homosexual by nature - that is, if one's sexuality is as intrinsic a part of one&...
JON MEACHAM If I were in a situation where I had to meet a pack of wolves and my family is with me, I'm goin...
JON SEDA I like San Francisco, but I don't think I'd want to work in Palo Alto. It seems like a prett...
JON ORINGER When I went to Everest, I underestimated things. I just didn't know what altitude could do. Or t...
JON KRAKAUER With tens of thousands of patients dying every year from preventable medical errors, it is imperativ...
JON PORTER Some people say that their pets will tell them when it's time to go. I don't believe that. N...
JON KATZ A border collie named Orson inspired me to buy a 110-acre farm with four barns and a sheep. That led...
JON KATZ If you're going to love animals and have a life with them, the odds are you're going to lose...
JON KATZ Some rescue groups are highly organized, experienced, well-funded, nearly professional. Others are s...
JON KATZ It's easy to see why dog rescue is a mushrooming culture. Turning a troubled person's life a...
JON KATZ Lifetime dogs intersect with our lives with particular impact; they're dogs we love in especiall...
JON KATZ