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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.


Steven Wright

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I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES I think there's a really mature side of me that can deal with problems - but when I'm with m...
DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS Much of the time I'm an introvert, by choice spending a lot of time on my own. I suppose liking ...
ROBYN DAVIDSON My name, Solange, means 'Angel of the sun,' and I'm completely enamored of my African hi...
SOLANGE KNOWLES I'm still an athlete, I'm still a stockbroker, I'm still an actor. I think of it as more...
BRIAN J. WHITE Simply put, I'm glad that manga as an expressive form is expanding.
NATSUKI TAKAYA It didn't matter as much because I'm a singer, not an actress, but my face is more acceptabl...
CARLY SIMON I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN I don't crave applause. I'm not one of those guys who comes alive on stage. I'm much mor...
DAVID BOWIE My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I don't like it is...
BILL BURR When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty.
JOHN LENNON No more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me! -King Henry IV. Part I. Act ii. Sc. 4.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around...
TUCKER MAX I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much t...
GABRIEL IGLESIAS Studying design has made me a much, much more astute observer of this aspect of business. And I'...
DANIEL H. PINK I think being recognized more is something you have to get used to, whether it's here or in Cali...
AARON RODGERS Danny Elfman, the composer, tells me the only time he thinks I'm happy is when I'm on the sc...
TIM BURTON Actually, because I'm so small, when I strike an open A chord I get physically thrown to the lef...
ANGUS YOUNG I'm 20 years old. I like to party as much as anyone my age. Going clubbing is my way of relaxing...
LINDSAY LOHAN I didn't necessarily grow up in a trailer park, but there is a brief part of that in my life. So...
KACEY MUSGRAVES I'm kind of a quirky dresser usually. Like today, I'm actually pretty put together, but I dr...
DEBBIE GIBSON To be honest, for me, my main workout is when I'm on stage. Even though I make pop music, I don&...
CHARLI XCX I don't think I'm a very good businessman. I act too much with my heart.
PELE When I'm not on stage, I'm kind of shy. If you see me and I don't say much, don't th...
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE I'm getting rid of this idea that you want people to like you. I'm making decisions on what ...
MACKENZIE DAVIS The trouble that they see me in is a part of my life that I'm working on.
RODNEY KING I'm much more shy than most of my family.
TALIA BALSAM Aggression is something that is a part of me, and I'm never going to take that out of my game.
DELE ALLI I'm an incurable optimist and a go-getter - it's in my nature to focus much more on what mak...
DEMI MOORE I'm proud of my sexuality. I embrace it. It's just another part of me.
ADAM LAMBERT 'E.T.' depended absolutely on the concept of cinema, and I think that Steven Spielberg, who ...
RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH I've lived my career backwards - I started off huge and I've got smaller and more personal, ...
CHARLIE SIMPSON I play the music of Steven
for Steven;
ragged, helpless,
it owns me, enveloping me STASIA WARD KEHOE I'm excited about the idea of an act of theatre triggering a parallel creative act of writing.
TIM CROUCH I certainly was performing before my writing was published, because I was performing when I was very...
RICKY JAY I don't know how much more expressive you can get than being a rock and roll singer.
ROBERT PLANT I have social anxiety. It's easier up on stage because there's security in being there. When...
SIA I look at rap as an opportunity to act. My head is full of different characters - in each song I'...
NICKI MINAJ When I'm on stage, I know exactly where I am. It's not an ego thing or anything like that, b...
CARLENE CARTER To loathe the taste of sweetness, whereof a little More than a little is by much too much. -King He...
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds,...
HAROLD LOKES The minute I'm off that stage, I try to get as 'me' as possible. I do that by piling on ...
TROIAN BELLISARIO The report of my death was an exaggeration.
MARK TWAIN I have problems because I'm very expressive, and usually red lipstick gets on my teeth and face.
JESSICA CHASTAIN I think a woman's body is so much more sensual than a man's. I'm not saying strip off al...
LINDSAY LOHAN I'm more a fan of my fans than I think they are of me!
T. J. THYNE The world is a stage. Life is an act... Just a balancing act.
TAPAN GHOSH Surfing for me is more than my lifestyle; it's my passion, my love, and it's a part of me.
BETHANY HAMILTON I'm excited about the new judges on 'American Idol.' Jennifer Lopez was a real mentor to...
JORDIN SPARKS I very much feel like I'm part of the makeup of 'Once Upon a Time.'
JAMIE DORNAN I'd get more applause than some because I was just seventeen. If they didn't clap at the end...
JIM DALE I'm very expressive, but I'm also a very private person. It is so hard to be private in the ...
SHIRLEY EATON I'm still a Red Bull driver. I'm part of this family more than ever.
JEAN-ERIC VERGNE For me, working on stage is much more exhausting than all the other mediums, but it's also much ...
JOHN LITHGOW I'm an actor. Whether I'm on stage, in front of a camera or a microphone, what I do is the s...
NOLAN NORTH I probably use email the most. I dunno if that counts as an app. I try to stay off my electronics as...
NATHAN PARSONS I think Zippy is part of me, but I'm not Zippy.
BILL GRIFFITH So cartooning, for me, is an honorable thing. It's pushing the envelope. It's the truth of s...
BILL SIENKIEWICZ I think my friend Tom Hanks knows me. He understands me very well. He's always had a sort of par...
JOHN TRAVOLTA I'm tough, I'm pushy, I'm really loud. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about it. ...
CHRISTINE QUINN I'm acting when I serve as a hostess, when I run my wig business. I was born to act, and life it...
EVA GABOR I'm pretty consistently fit because I think it's an important part of my work, but I will ra...
ALEXANDRA DADDARIO Lil' Kim is my stage name and a character I use when I'm out working my livelihood.
LIL' KIM I don't want anyone part of my love life besides me and the person I'm loving.
ANSEL ELGORT When I'm out on the stage, it gives me this rush and anything that's on my mind and everythi...
FANTASIA BARRINO I'm an urban act.
MALUMA Orlando's a part of me. The next guy's a part of me. And the next guy's a part of me. Th...
SHEMAR MOORE An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds,...
HAROLD LOUKES Music is an essential part of my life and I'm completely lost without a good album to listen to ...
ALFRED MOLINA Right before I go on stage, I'm absolutely terrified. My mind darts at many directions, but the ...
SARAH BRIGHTMAN I'm kind of floating out there as an artist. I'm in a safe place where I can play a girlfrie...
NICOLE ARI PARKER I'm really not a TV junkie... OK, I kind of am a TV junkie, but I'm much more of a movie jun...
ALISON BRIE I think now I'm more realistic, but I'm still very much an idealist.
ALDEN EHRENREICH I'm in favour of hipster androgyny: Any trend that permits men to rebel against strict gender ru...
RUSSELL SMITH I used to suffer from stage fright, which at times was an ordeal. I won't perform live again. I&...
AGNETHA FALTSKOG When I'm on stage, I feel very much at home - within a theater, within an ensemble - so this ent...
EMILIA CLARKE By the time May rolls around, I'm probably going to want to spend a month on an island. But if S...
MARG HELGENBERGER I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly tol...
DENIS LEARY Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding yo...
JOAN RIVERS What I'm looking for in my interaction is critical thinking on the part of the person pitching t...
BRAD FELD I like doing a challenging class because it makes me more brave in life. My perception of hardships ...
IONE SKYE The idea of an election is much more interesting to me than the election itself...The act of voting ...
JEFF MELVOIN Oh my God, I would love to go on stage so much. I'm undignified with how badly I want it.
OPHELIA LOVIBOND I might be in an airport, late or angry with a ticket person, and I'm going to sort of check mys...
STEPHEN COLLINS There is a little bit of me in every part I do... I'm not really good enough to completely const...
ZACH GILFORD People expect comedy from me but I am not just a stand-up comedian anymore. I act on stage, host ...
KAPIL SHARMA The typical response from people when I tell them I'm diabetic is, 'Oh, I'm sorry to hea...
CHARLIE KIMBALL But I tend to think of the expressive part of me as rather tedious - never curious or responsive, bu...
MARK STRAND I think a lot of people have the Frank Lloyd Wright model in their brains. The architect comes in wi...
THOM MAYNE Lucha libre culture was part of my wrestling upbringing. I'm Filipino, so it wasn't a part o...
T. J. PERKINS A good meal is very important to me. When I have a bad meal, especially out, it's like I'm s...
JOSH ELLIOTT Bike lanes are the coolest. My favorite past time is flipping off cars from my bicycle. Just kidding...
MARY LAMBERT I feel like I'm a much better person when I'm developing my imagination and my innocence and...
BRIT MARLING When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I think there was a petition online to get me involved in 'Doctor Who.' I'm not a 'D...
GINA BELLMAN

More Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�...
STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb...
STEVEN WRIGHT