My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.