My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.