My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.


Jasper Carrott

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…Negligible Senescence…
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Another one of your quippy japes?
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Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn't collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.
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Mine,” he whispered against my mouth. He kissed me again. “You are mine.”
In the ...
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If Nelson keeps working at things and keeps believing in himself, he can go a long way.
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JASPER FFORDE
The best plans are always the simplest.
JASPER FFORDE
After all, color in itself has no color — it's simply a construction of the mind: a sensation, lik...
JASPER FFORDE
But the truth inevitably found me, as important truths often do, like a lost thought in need of a mi...
JASPER FFORDE
There is no problem on earth that can't be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea.
JASPER FFORDE
Her areas of expertise are bar codes, book titles and maps - she has an original Parker Brothers map...
JASPER FFORDE
2.5.03.02.005: Generally speaking, if you fiddle with something, it will break. Don't.
JASPER FFORDE
Unless the hole is MEANT to be square,' I said with a sudden erudition that surprised me, 'in which ...
JASPER FFORDE
Because there's someone else here in East Carmin. Someone hopelessly unsuitable. It's all a really b...
JASPER FFORDE
2.3.06.02.087: Unnecessary sharpening of pencils constitutes a waste of public resources, and will b...
JASPER FFORDE
He set fire to some potatoes, then cooked some undelivered post in the embers." - Dad
"Did he n...
JASPER FFORDE
Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse.
JASPER FFORDE
Acceptable rules of conduct were suspended when it came to the spoon shortage. The deficit had gotte...
JASPER FFORDE
I've managed to bring the backlog down to a mere sixty-eight years," she announced with some small s...
JASPER FFORDE
Love isn't sensible, Red. I think that's the point.
JASPER FFORDE
A surfeit of information often hides an untruth,” he said, with annoying clarity.
JASPER FFORDE
I don't need you to agree with me," she said quietly." I'll go away happy with a little bit of doubt...
JASPER FFORDE
Defiance through compliance.
JASPER FFORDE
The youthful stationmaster wore a Blue Spot on his uniform and remonstrated with the driver that the...
JASPER FFORDE
Were you listening to a word I said '
'I kind of switched off when you drew breath.
JASPER FFORDE
If you enjoyed laughing in the face of death, you might like to have a crack at High Saffron. One hu...
JASPER FFORDE
You many have noticed I have a temper ... but when I calmed down, I realized that this world, blight...
JASPER FFORDE
Almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon.
JASPER FFORDE
You see? I know where every single book used to be in the library.' She pointed to the shelf opposit...
JASPER FFORDE
the best lies to tell are the ones people want to believe
JASPER FFORDE
The safest course was actually the simplest-do nothing at all and hope everything turned out for the...
JASPER FFORDE
The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary require...
JASPER FFORDE
I also read about Heathcliff's unexpected three-year career in Hollywood under the name Buck Stallio...
JASPER FFORDE
Who do readers expect to see when they pick up this book? Who has won the Most Troubled Romantic Lea...
JASPER FFORDE
I was on HPD--Heathcliff Protection Duty--in Wuthering Heights for two years, and believe me, the Pr...
JASPER FFORDE
I assumed that everything would lead to complete failure, but I decided that didn't matter – that ...
JASPER JOHNS
Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's ...
JASPER FFORDE
Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.
JASPER FFORDE
If you expect me to believe that a lawyer wrote A Midsummer Night's Dream, I must be dafter t...
JASPER FFORDE
They turned their attention to the wardrobe that held several Armani suits, all of them individually...
JASPER FFORDE
Father liked word games. He was fourteen times world Scrabble champion. When he died, we buried him ...
JASPER FFORDE
Businessman, philanthropist, large egg.
JASPER FFORDE
So you could value your own life," replied the Titan. "Before that you were under the gods' thumbs, ...
JASPER FFORDE
She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats th...
JASPER FFORDE
This must have been how it all began with Chymes,” sighed Jack. “A small
omission on one ca...
JASPER FFORDE
ALBINOS DEMAND ACTION ON MOVIE SLUR The albino community demanded action yesterday to stop their unf...
JASPER FFORDE
If you drive at precisely twenty-nine miles per hour, the rumble strips play ‘Jerusalem’ on the ...
JASPER FFORDE
Think of this: If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no w...
JASPER FFORDE
I loved him, officer. More than any woman ever loved an egg.
JASPER FFORDE
You speak baby gibberish?' asked Jack.
'Fluently. The adult-education center ran a course, and ...
JASPER FFORDE
Humpty had always sat on walls, it was his way.
JASPER FFORDE
How many people want to read about three disreputable pigs and a dopey wolf with a disposition towar...
JASPER FFORDE
Mr. Pewter led them through to a library, filled with thousands of
antiquarian books.
'Imp...
JASPER FFORDE
Do I have to talk to insane people?"
"You're a librarian now. I'm afraid it's mandatory.
JASPER FFORDE
The front room of his house was what I called 'untidy chic'. Prefects weren't subject to the same Ru...
JASPER FFORDE
So you're going to have to ask yourselves on simple question: Which one of us is speaking now?
JASPER FFORDE
The music map, the Vera Project — all of these are steps in the right direction in making the state...
MEGAN JASPER
There was so much happening, but there was no support for it in the city — no feeling of pride or a...
MEGAN JASPER