My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

The talent of a meat packer, the morals of a money changer, and the manners of an undertaker.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

I am a planter - a cotton planter. I am a Southern man and a slaveholder - a kind and a merciful one, I trust - and none the worse for being a slaveholder.