Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.
George Carlin
Related They have a very vocal tiny minority of American citizens who overwhelm the majority because they ar... MIKE BARNES This is what our country is all about. Everybody is proud of their American citizenship and they wan... MICHAEL YOUNG Not only are most of our citizens fathomlessly ignorant of the glories of American literature, a fas... TERRY TEACHOUT The American Indian Exposition has a new twist this year. It's not just American Indians. They have ... KIMBERLY SCHMITZ The American public is somewhat ambivalent about what they expect out of thenational forest, RALPH REGULA Evangelical Christian politicians who cheat often raise questions about hypocrisy, especially if the... JODI KANTOR If this merger frenzy continues, we could end up with three, two, maybe only one airlines, and I thi... HARRY REID American politicians who dwell on American exceptionalism only dishonor us by suggesting we play dum... JAY PARINI You know that American dream and American spirit of innovation we always talk about? Turns out, the ... SARAH LACY The American Republic will endure, until politicians realize they can bribe the people with their ow... ALEXIS DE TOCQUEVILLE You're going to see a rise of the white male voter who feels like they're not secure, their ... SEAN DUFFY The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office. WILL ROGERS The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office WILL ROGERS I think the only way to go is to do what they think is the right thing and explain it as well as the... HENRY KISSINGER What we are doing is satisfying the American public. That's our job. I always say we have to give mo... WILLIAM PALEY I think the industry finally gets it. They've lost the connection with the American public, and ... BILLY TAUZIN The American mood, perhaps even the American character, has changed. There are few manifestations an... ARCHIBALD MACLEISH The power of these recommendations is that they come from leaders representing a broad spectrum of r... CHARLES HAYNES Torture is not American, it's un-American; arbitrary detention is un-American and what these young m... ERIC LEWIS This is the beginning of the end for how the tobacco industry has treated the American public, ... W... MIKE MOORE I think the American public is rightly distressed about a situation in which they feel we do not hav... MICHAEL CHERTOFF Public servants should always be accountable and responsible for what they are advocating, and I cha... JOHN FLEMING For history, we start with the American Indians and then who discovered America. It's really kind of... JANE HOFFA He's going to present himself to the American public a sandy-haired kid whose merely out pursuing th... TONY PERKINS What I think we need to do to engage the American people in a conversation about entitlement reform ... CARLY FIORINA They don't deserve this, and the American people's morale is going to suffer from this. JOSE BASULTO Foreigners have a complex set of associations in their minds when they think of America - from Iraq ... SHASHI THAROOR Decades of record immigration have produced lower wages and higher unemployment for our citizens, es... DONALD TRUMP There are African-American families around this country - a large, large number of African-American ... TA-NEHISI COATES American critics are like American universities. They both have dull and half-dead faculties. EDWARD ALBEE What they will try to do is get symbolic victories. Symbolism is important to them. They have little... JAMES T. WALSH [American exceptionalism] is a reaction to the inability of people to understand global complexity o... ZBIGNIEW BRZEZIńSKI 'Refugee' calls up to mind people that come from different lands and have to be taken care of. These... DIANE WATSON Most successful American politicians look well-fed on endorsements, campaign contributions and chick... SIMON HOGGART The American people want to preserve their American heritage, and they have the quaint belief that p... JOHN F. SEIBERLING What we're trying to do is protect the public from unsafe medications. It was a growing problem we f... LYNN HOLLINGER On behalf of the American Muslim community, it is heartening to see that, in this case, American Mus... ARSALAN IFTIKHAR We are now inundated with illegal immigrants, and they seem to have more rights than we American cit... ALBERT BARWICK Nobody likes to get booed. Maybe [it was] the fact they don't know nothing about me or they didn't b... EDGAR RENTERIA While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those... LARKEN ROSE Congress is unable to do the work of the American people because too many politicians believe that c... EMANUEL CLEAVER You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being sho... GEORGE CARLIN We were American citizens. We were incarcerated by our American government in American internment ca... GEORGE TAKEI So after a long time of utilizing the American propaganda machine, along with official statements of... NAJI SABRI I have big dreams. I could have done a lot of these things (in Pennsylvania) and if I'd had the gump... JOSH GREEN In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an A... THEODORE ROOSEVELT I think anything that is perceived as parliamentary maneuvering to get out of this is not going to b... JOHN BREAUX Nobody will ever deprive the American people of the right to vote except the American people themsel... FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT Any American who joins al Qaeda will know full well that they have joined an organization that is at... JOHN O. BRENNAN They are highly dependent on the interest of the American audience. They have to maintain interest i... DAN DOCTOROFF This is un-American. I don't think in a democratic society you can have a legally organized township... FRANCES KISSLING The American people were really not 100% convinced that this idea of default was really going to occ... BILL JOHNSON I do believe that freedom isn't free - but today the corporate and political right wing is tryin... RICHARD TRUMKA Public servants are paid to serve the American people. Do it well. DONALD RUMSFELD It is the police of America who are on the front lines, who are on the streets, who are in the daily... JANET RENO OZOCRACY - Watch the spectacle (or divisive, polarizing issue) we, the politicians, have created or ... DON MASHAK I think having Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House is going to send a very wonderful lesson to the ... ELLEN MALCOLM Even with the rapid and generous support from the American public and neighboring countries, a Commu... CHAD CONRAD What I like about the American woman is she usually has a lot of dynamism. In the U.S., women have a... FRANCOISE GILOT American and American Eagle are committed to providing New York travelers convenient access to the p... CHUCK IMHOF The reason American cars don't sell anymore is that they have forgotten how to design the American D... KARL LAGERFELD The American people, in their own families, they understand that you have to do that. You have to ma... CATHY MCMORRIS RODGERS The American public has a right to know what's going on. ELMER DAVIS I think people feel threatened by homosexuality. The problem isn't about gay people, the problem... HOLLIS STACY They're just big in the eyes of the American public. ERIC HEIDEN People are so docile right now. It is almost as if good government means when the politicians lie to... JAMES BOVARD The American government is doing whatever it wants to, without any representative of the American pu... JOHN CHANCELLOR The American consumer is also the American worker, and if we don't do something to protect our m... LINDSEY GRAHAM There's this accent that I think everybody has when they grow up going to an international schoo... DANIELA RUAH Policy is no longer being written by politicians accountable to the American public. Instead, polici... HENRY GIROUX Americans need to educate themselves, from elementary school onward, about what their country has do... MOHSIN HAMID American newspapers write about the information economy. In contrast, Europeans speak of an 'informa... IAN ANGELL If a man is going to be an American at all let him be so without any qualifying adjectives, and if h... HENRY CABOT LODGE I think the American public wants to see a change. They want a fresh start. JASON CHAFFETZ The whole mindset of student athletes today is me, as opposed to we. They have pretty much lost the ... DWAYNE WALKER Like all Americans, or like all Americans who are conscious of being American, Parker and Zema's fat... STEVE ERICKSON I think it's only in a crisis that Americans see other people. It has to be an American crisis, of c... DON DELILLO [There's a reason why politicians are telling the American people to do the right thing and get to t... JOSH FEINMAN The largest untapped constituency in American politics are the 300 million American citizens who hav... JEFF SESSIONS In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an Am... THEODORE ROOSEVELT I was studying American politicians who were searching - allegedly - for American communists because... ROBERT VAUGHN Our people are now assessing what they need and when they need it and how they need it. I don't know... FRED WILPON The American people are free to do exactly what they are told. WARD CHURCHILL You know when you say 'street food' to an American, maybe it sounds like they are actually eating of... GREG DRESCHER I suspect that American workers have come to lack a work ethic. They do not live by the sweat of the... KIICHI MIYAZAWA You can't just have slogans, you can't just have catchy phrases. You have to have an agenda.... COLIN POWELL The white American man makes the white American woman maybe not superfluous but just a little kind o... MAYA ANGELOU Encourage public schools to teach American children how to code just after they learn to multiply. MARVIN AMMORI What the American people want to see in their president is somebody who not necessarily can win ever... BERNIE SANDERS Americans want students to get the best education possible. We want schools to prepare children to b... BILL GATES Three quarters of the American population literally believe in religious miracles. The numbers who b... NOAM CHOMSKY I hope the American citizens will come to recognize that they are not the only ones who need you sti... CARLOS MENEM What the American people want to do is fight a war without getting hurt. You can't do that any m... CHESTY PULLER We have Americans, Latin, African-American, Jamaican. We have a little bit of everything. There's a ... HECTOR MORENO It's true that most American citizens think of themselves as living in a democratic country. But... DAVID GRAEBER When people say 'American soccer,' they think of the U.S. national team. But American soccer... LANDON DONOVAN What youre going to see as we continue to look at the race issue is a collection of civil rights l... ED GORDON Progress is being made. The American people need to know that, ... Mistakes have been made, too, and... FRANK WOLF On the other hand, I'm part of a movement which has a very, very ambitious goal of slowing down ... ... WILLIAM BLUM We work very diligently with families. We have a very good family-to-school connection, lots of resp... BECKY SUKANEN
More George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they... GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning. GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks. GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as bi... GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control. GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next. GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W... GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don... GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institution... GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job! GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat. GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso... GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo... GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ... GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc... GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e... GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb... GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ... GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war? GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked. GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ... GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be... GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will... GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ... GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.- GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav... GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la... GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa... GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t... GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h... GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution... GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ... GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i... GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil... GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t... GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be... GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky... GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi... GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ... GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than... GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different.... GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization. GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb... GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai... GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the... GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d... GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language. GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh... GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ... GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&... GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class... GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ... GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol... GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the... GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th... GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning... GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y... GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning. GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight... GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed... GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b... GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish... GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to... GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider! GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b... GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect... GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you... GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ... GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can... GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th... GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach t... GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with... GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c... GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ... GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A... GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’... GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police. GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ... GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual... GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ... GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ... GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se... GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the... GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol... GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som... GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-. GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw... GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it. GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ... GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking. GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc... GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti... GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything. GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type, GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident. GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones. GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations... GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea... GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first. GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'... GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a... GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help. GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play? GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ... GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi... GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't... GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic GEORGE CARLIN Think about it, GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and... GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ... GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your... 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