People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.