You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.