People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'.


Dave Barry

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
DAVE BARRY
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
DAVE BARRY
Dave Barry Turns 50
DAVE BARRY
When designers replaced the command line interface with the graphical user interface, billions of pe...
HOWARD RHEINGOLD
People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR
Only after the last tree has been cut down,only after the last river has been poisoned,only after th...
THE CREE PEOPLE
Linux is not user-friendly. It _is_ user-friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly.
SOURCE UNKNOWN
There is, indeed, nothing more vexing than to be, for example, rich, of good family, of decent appea...
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
People who bet against the Internet, who think that somehow this change is just a generational shift...
ERIC SCHMIDT
When you use the term minority or minorities in reference to people, you're telling them that they'r...
GWENDOLYN BROOKS
Congratulations, to the people which made gotham series, still need some more and extra work!
DEYTH BANGER
The main thing, I think, is that the computer user will continue to be the weak link in the security...
DAVID MACKEY
Let's face it, the average computer user has the brain of a Spider Monkey.
BILL GATES
I favor strategies that encourage industry to include some sort of key recovery capability in their ...
DOROTHY DENNING
When you use the term minority or minorities in reference to people, you're telling them that th...
GWENDOLYN BROOKS
A computer is powerful enough to control the world, but is limited to the idiot sitting behind it.
DUSTIN H. MATHENY
They are a fairly small player in a consolidating industry. Don't see acquisition of them [in the] n...
ANDREW NEFF
A hard drive saves files in sectors. But large files may be saved in various spots on the disk. This...
GORDON MILLS
Our mission is to revive the gaming industry by increasing our user base,
SATORU IWATA
The computer industry is creatively bankrupt.
JONATHAN IVE
One of the characters in our story, Gavril Ardalionovitch Ivolgin, belonged to the other category; h...
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
I have an Apple computer, which I use to play Spider Solitaire and do research on the Internet.
ALEX TREBEK
There is a long-term favorable backdrop to long-term securities in demand from the pension industry.
JASON EVANS
She was intimidating and all I could do was sit back on the couch as she paced back and forth, slowl...
IN THE MAKING
Friendship is a double-edged sword one side it can be great and true but the other side it spells be...
GARY F EVANS...
Now is everything
Now is the essence
Now is the focus
Focus on the now
For that ...
KAREN HACKEL
One must simply take the days of their lives as they happen. If you spend time worrying over what is...
R.J. GONZALES
The computer industry is the only industry that is more fashion-driven than women's fashion.
RICHARD STALLMAN
The Internet is about usability, ... The computer industry has been able to ship difficult-to-use pr...
JAKOB NIELSEN
I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tel...
DOUGLAS ADAMS
In every study we've done, fuel cells surface as the most promising long-term pathway for the indust...
LARRY BURNS
Apple instigated the personal computer revolution with the Apple II, which was the first mass market...
ANDY HERTZFELD
User-centered design means working with your users all throughout the project.
DONALD NORMAN
It will demystify the user interface with navigation. It will be easy to use. Normal people will be ...
CHET HUBER
To me, Microsoft has behaved like the clear-cutters of the computer software industry.
ERIC ALLMAN
Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON
I don't think that crazy should have a negative connotation - it just means that you're fun....
JENNY MOLLEN
I'm just saying if you want to reach large audiences, then rely on professionals, meaning people...
BARRY DILLER
In the beginning, there was nothing and from nothing came our species then behold the dawn of music....
GARY F EVANS...
I just think that you should, you know, be a professional drug user. If you're going to use drugs do...
MARILYN MANSON
The growth, I think, is huge, simply by the fact that pretty well everybody out there is in some way...
BRIAN MUIR
This makes them much easier to compare. We use the computer to process the plans, but each one gets ...
GUY KAWASAKI
If they had them, and they were armed to the teeth with them, why didn't they use them? ... If they ...
ZBIGNIEW BRZEZINSKI
In the absence of any short term in common use to represent all desirable things, or things that sat...
ALFRED MARSHALL
I'm sorry I used that term. It's one which does suggest a froth in the market place. I would hesitat...
ALAN GREENSPAN
One important finding is the emphasis on business skills. There has always been a need for that, but...
KATE KAISER
DivX Plus Streaming is adaptive bit rate streaming solutions, which means it works by detecting a us...
ALFRED AMOROSO
For the longest time critics have claimed, and I am one of them, that the airline industry leans on ...
CHARLES SLEPIAN
The Witch 2015, has shown how religion make us, and where does this shit put us. How just by one rel...
DEYTH BANGER
The Witch 2015, has shown how religion make us, and where does this shit put us. How just by one rel...
DEYTH BANGER
What does a homeless person do the first time you let them use a computer? Searches through the rec...
SHORT QUOTES
A means can be justified only by its end. But the end in its turn needs to be justified.
LEON TROTSKY
The product manager is rules-driven and lets you build the parameters of your contract through user ...
JOHN WESLEY (TIAA-CREF PRODUCT MANAGER)
The consumer needs to show up for the holiday season for the personal computer industry to do well i...
FRED ANDERSON
Smiling at death seems like a pretty bold act. And so I smile like a damned fool.
EMM COLE
We need to embrace every day and enjoy it as much as we can.
KAREN TODD SCARPULLA
When you live in the present, the past is forgotten & the future takes care of itself.
MANDY HALE
Creativity is not just thinking outside the box but living outside it.
VICTOR SHAMAS
In a way, a computer is like the Holy Bible. It is super powerful and contains lots of useful data. ...
DUSTIN H. MATHENY
This whole state is hurting right now. I know times are hard. I understand people are angry with Ben...
ALLEN RIVERS
Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it?...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
Most of our faults are more pardonable than the means we use to conceal them.
FRANCOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
The goal is to serve the global travel and tourism industry by making the .travel registry site as u...
RON ANDRUFF
We fall back into the past, we jump ahead into the future, and in this we lose our entire lives.
THICH NHAT HANH
Time is a teacher which in the end it kills all it's students. (Synchronicity 2015 Film)
DEYTH BANGER
That means he's going places to help people. You don't use them to take the family to Miami Beach fo...
ERIK SMITH
Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who's going to build.
LARRY ELLISON
In the short term, we want to make that intersection at Cherry Hill and Newburgh user friendly and t...
BRUCE THOMPSON
Many companies accept publicly available information such as a Social Security number as a means of ...
FRED SCHNEIDER
This means a whole new way of marketing to people that will allow them to think about long-term care...
LAURA MOORE
It's unfortunate, because people who were against the absentee ballot in the first place will use th...
WAYNE CORNELIUS
The complexity of our present trouble suggests as never before that we need to change our present co...
WENDELL BERRY
Dave has demonstrated very broad, capable leadership throughout his career, ... He is highly respect...
MARK FIELDS
I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES
The only legitimate use of a computer is to play games.
EUGENE JARVIS
Cocaine narrows the blood vessels in the nose which means it cant get enough oxygen. Heavy cocaine u...
CAROL COOPER
During my life, I have had a few nightmares which happened to me while I was wide awake. One of them...
JACKIE ROBINSON
There is no such thing as objectivity. We are all just interpreting signals from the universe and tr...
BONES THE DOCTOR IN THE PHOTO
Computer use in our labs is a popular service.
ELIZABETH BURDEN
To have the cognitive abilities to do research and development is vital to a forever expanding world...
GARY F EVANS...
The first and foremost human right or fundamental right is the right to exist.
APURVA GAGLANI
If we ever put research into what the subconscious is we could probably come to the conclusion that ...
GARY F EVANS...
i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g...
SIMI GREWAL
For the entire period I worked for Tony Blair, almost a decade, I did not use a computer. This was n...
ALASTAIR CAMPBELL
We advise them not to use these kinds of methods, because we have the the means to respond.
ALI LARIJANI
This plan... is going to be incredibly important for the long-term viability of the wine industry an...
KURT GOLLNICK
Defending against military-strength malware is a real challenge for the computer security industry. ...
MIKKO HYPPONEN
Steroids can seem necessary to compete at the highest levels, and the quick rewards can outweigh the...
HOWARD BERMAN
Before the people at large, and for that matter, the artists themselves, understand what photography...
ALFRED STIEGLITZ
Leverage is a term that makes us sound very sophisticated and wise when we use it. Let’s analyze w...
CELSO CUKIERKORN
God is not impressed with what PRECEDES your name, but how you PROCEED in His Name."
BJ NELSON
When Luke had descended into the River Styx, he would've had to focus on something important that wo...
RICK RIORDAN
Although he did not use the term 'abolish' and changed the term to 'cease function,' this is merely ...
TAIWAN AFFAIRS OFFICE
The long-term lessened use of energy, which will cause less pollution in the production of that ener...
DEBBIE HAMILTON
If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.
AMIT RAY
Magic is just a term people use for things they’re too primitive to understand properly.
JUSTIN RICHARDS
I have always wished the present to resemble memory: because the present can be flat at times, and b...
LYDIA MILLET
Under the circumstances, may I suggest another means of encouraging probity in elective office. I re...
JAMES L. BUCKLEY
While equipment has become much cheaper and user-friendly in the last decade, the human resources to...
HAKIMA ABBAS
The real problem at the moment is that the banks - because of their existing culture, which is frank...
VINCE CABLE

More Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
DAVE BARRY
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admi...
DAVE BARRY
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
DAVE BARRY
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another pe...
DAVE BARRY
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
DAVE BARRY
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is ...
DAVE BARRY
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to a...
DAVE BARRY
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
DAVE BARRY
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY
Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is th...
DAVE BARRY
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
DAVE BARRY
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes i...
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or...
DAVE BARRY
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a mor...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless...
DAVE BARRY
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitutio...
DAVE BARRY
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
DAVE BARRY
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
DAVE BARRY
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know ...
DAVE BARRY
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
DAVE BARRY
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
DAVE BARRY
I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my car...
DAVE BARRY
The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter ...
DAVE BARRY
It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have...
DAVE BARRY
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to r...
DAVE BARRY
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
DAVE BARRY
I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.
DAVE BARRY
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is ba...
DAVE BARRY
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...
DAVE BARRY
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormit...
DAVE BARRY
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would b...
DAVE BARRY
What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be...
DAVE BARRY
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
DAVE BARRY
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated ...
DAVE BARRY
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
DAVE BARRY
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who ...
DAVE BARRY
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
DAVE BARRY
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in...
DAVE BARRY
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns h...
DAVE BARRY
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any ...
DAVE BARRY
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
DAVE BARRY
A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
DAVE BARRY
It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mer...
DAVE BARRY
Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the p...
DAVE BARRY
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
DAVE BARRY
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
DAVE BARRY
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that h...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to sa...
DAVE BARRY
And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to ta...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
DAVE BARRY
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
DAVE BARRY
New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
DAVE BARRY
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organiza...
DAVE BARRY
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won...
DAVE BARRY
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
DAVE BARRY
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
DAVE BARRY
I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Futu...
DAVE BARRY
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a compute...
DAVE BARRY
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
DAVE BARRY
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see wit...
DAVE BARRY
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but ...
DAVE BARRY
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, usi...
DAVE BARRY
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, includi...
DAVE BARRY
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...
DAVE BARRY
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
DAVE BARRY
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by...
DAVE BARRY
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
DAVE BARRY
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his ...
DAVE BARRY
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
DAVE BARRY
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
DAVE BARRY
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a goo...
DAVE BARRY
Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while ...
DAVE BARRY
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news p...
DAVE BARRY
There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you...
DAVE BARRY
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be att...
DAVE BARRY
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
DAVE BARRY
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
DAVE BARRY
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
DAVE BARRY
We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just abo...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
DAVE BARRY
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven...
DAVE BARRY
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no n...
DAVE BARRY
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answ...
DAVE BARRY
A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to est...
DAVE BARRY
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
DAVE BARRY
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - yo...
DAVE BARRY
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is read...
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, D...
DAVE BARRY
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the...
DAVE BARRY
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such ...
DAVE BARRY
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since th...
DAVE BARRY
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Int...
DAVE BARRY
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacInto...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for b...
DAVE BARRY
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting techniq...
DAVE BARRY
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed...
DAVE BARRY
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in Janu...
DAVE BARRY
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and att...
DAVE BARRY
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always...
DAVE BARRY
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if pe...
DAVE BARRY
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at...
DAVE BARRY
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BARRY
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...
DAVE BARRY
Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ev...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a c...
DAVE BARRY
For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 37...
DAVE BARRY
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of fallin...
DAVE BARRY
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the b...
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. (This is also true of relig...
DAVE BARRY
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have...
DAVE BARRY
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
DAVE BARRY
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't ca...
DAVE BARRY
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software inco...
DAVE BARRY
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck throug...
DAVE BARRY
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and f...
DAVE BARRY
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as bei...
DAVE BARRY
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers...
DAVE BARRY
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
DAVE BARRY
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ton...
DAVE BARRY
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Den...
DAVE BARRY
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
DAVE BARRY
''Varlet and the Squeaking Codpieces'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.
DAVE BARRY
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetol...
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person...
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withsta...
DAVE BARRY
Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark
DAVE BARRY
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a...
DAVE BARRY
When Thomas Paine showed Benjamin Franklin the manuscript of The Age of Reason, Franklin advised him...
DAVE BARRY
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty...
DAVE BARRY
All good things must come to an end, but all bad things can continue forever.
DAVE BARRY
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days s...
DAVE BARRY
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
DAVE BARRY
And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times, so we said hello.
DAVE BARRY
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
DAVE BARRY
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
DAVE BARRY
1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left b...
DAVE BARRY
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on you...
DAVE BARRY
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY
Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, ...
DAVE BARRY
If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, ...
DAVE BARRY
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you wo...
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
DAVE BARRY
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DAVE BARRY
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
DAVE BARRY
I gotta tell you, ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of t...
DAVE BARRY
It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
DAVE BARRY
one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
DAVE BARRY
drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
DAVE BARRY
I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.
DAVE BARRY
I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
DAVE BARRY
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
DAVE BARRY
We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will ne...
DAVE BARRY
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
DAVE BARRY
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art...
DAVE BARRY
I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy i...
DAVE BARRY
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
DAVE BARRY
Ridley is a tea drinker.
DAVE BARRY
It's a concept I've often thought of.
DAVE BARRY
You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
DAVE BARRY
I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd...
DAVE BARRY
We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
DAVE BARRY
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge ham...
DAVE BARRY
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
DAVE BARRY
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
DAVE BARRY
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
DAVE BARRY
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable ent...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
DAVE BARRY
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks sh...
DAVE BARRY
Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
DAVE BARRY
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
DAVE BARRY