Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, 'Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.' Then they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had the big husky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.