Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg.

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.