Slumps don't bother me.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'