When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Slumps don't bother me.