I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.