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Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.


George Carlin

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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Pessimists see the glass as half empty even though it's full. Optimists see the glass as half filled...
PIA FAJELAGUTAN you can see the glass as half full, half empty, or as a a glass with liquid in it.
KENDALL GREEN A pessimist, they say, sees a glass of water as being half empty; an optimist sees the same glass...
G. DONALD GALE There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented w...
TERRY PRATCHETT My Glass is not half empty, my Glass is not half full, my Glass is Cracked!
SCOTT DOUGLAS CHASE There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented w...
TERRY PRATCHETT The optimist sees the glass as half full, the pessimist as half empty. What I see is water that can ...
ABHIJIT NASKAR Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t settle for a half empty glass, always go for a full one!
STEPHEN RICHARDS We're looking at the glass as half-full.
BOB CASTELLINI I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
DARYNDA JONES To me, the glass is always half full, never half empty.
EDDIE MONEY Some of us in the medical profession have seen this coming and have been discussing this with patien...
CALVIN BROWN Whether your glass be half empty or whether your glass be half full we all will drink to survive.
GARMAN WOLD We're in that mode here where there's a dead cat bounce and that the glass is half full. At some poi...
CHUCK HILL There are lots of things, including changing the kind of inner dialog, that can mitigate anxiety. An...
SCOTT STOSSEL If we talk about the glass being half empty or half full, I want to know what does the glass look li...
BRAD THOR I don't wish to argue,
whether the glass is
half empty or half full,
as long as what ...
AKASH MANDAL The glass is neither half empty nor half full, but quite simply at a point of maximum potential
CHRIS BOYER Some say the glass is half full and blush,
Some say it’s half empty and sink,
I feel you...
JASLEEN KAUR GUMBER Whether a glass is half full or half empty depends on the attitude of the person looking at it.
SOURCE UNKNOWN What, the glass is half-full instead of half-empty? Bullshit. What they don't tell you is that regar...
T.J. KLUNE see the water in the glass and care not whether it's half empty or half full
ANGELICA NIGHTINGALE The conundrum of whether or not the glass is half-full or half-empty depends on how thirsty you are.
RICHARD LYLES Seeing the glass as half empty is more positive than seeing it as half full. Through such a lens the...
CRISS JAMI Is the glass half full, or half empty?It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
BILL COSBY Whether your glass is half full or half empty, hope can fill it up.
MATSHONA DHLIWAYO Whether the glass is half full or half empty depends on whether it was full in the first place.
LIVVY ANDERSON Whether the glass is half empty or half full, you have the power to fill it up.
MATSHONA DHLIWAYO An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will t...
CHAUNCEY DEPEW He wouldn't call a glass of water half full or half empty; he'd assume it was poisoned and run away....
MICHAEL REISMAN What bartender is going to fill your glass if it's "half full"?
ARTHUR STEPHENS And besides, we’re not really all that different. Although I think I’m a little more . . . ” JILL SHALVIS I'm a confirmed negaholic. I don't just see a glass that's half full and call it half-empty; I see a...
PETER MCWILLIAMS It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. I am gonna drink it through this crazy st...
JOEY COMEAU One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, "Is it half full or hal...
ALEXANDER JODOROWSKY If you ever see a glass half empty - just pour the content out into a smaller glass until full! :) Y...
LANA RADOVIC I like to look at the glass half full.
ABDULLAH II OF JORDAN ...if you live feeling like
Your glass is half empty, well,
It may as well be empty all th...
MATTIE J.T. STEPANEK What’s going on?” Royce asked as throngs of people suddenly moved toward him from the field and ...
MICHAEL J. SULLIVAN The optimist says the glass is half full; The security guy says, no glass allowed on the patio!
GREG GAZIN The FOMC minutes provided further affirmation to a bond market that continues to see the glass as ha...
STEPHEN STANLEY The only way to know if the glass is half empty or half full is to measure it really accurately, lik...
STATEMENTS Please don't look at the part of the glass that is only half full.
GEORGE BUSH I would say we have made good progress. The glass is definitely half-full -- it's not half-empty -- ...
JAN VANDEMOORTELE Belief is like a glass of water that is either half full or half empty or about to get filled,depend...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) Perception can be one-sided or variant: "Glass half empty or half full." There usually is more than ...
T.F. HODGE I was a very fearful little kid, and I would always see the worst in everything. The glass was half-...
DANIEL CLOWES But certainly, the best way to fix something is to be totally honest with it. I don't think you can ...
MIKE SHERMAN I see the glass half full and thank God for what I have.
ANA MONNAR To some the cup is half full,to others it is half empty,because we think differently.
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) There will be Apple Glass, and Google Glass, and RIM Glass. These companies are all working on glass...
STEVE MANN He looked at things as a glass half-full. He was always positive, a kind and constructive leader and...
KIRK KORDELESKI When it comes to the treatment of patients with chronic schizophrenia, the glass is only half-full.
JEFFREY LIEBERMAN Looking at the glass half full seems to help others do the same and help fill their glasses too.
EMILYANN GIRDNER It's that dark cloud, the glass half empty on everything you do. It just becomes too much for me. So...
TOBY KEITH Some people see the liquid and think half full. Others only see the air and think half empty. Someti...
MCCALL HOYLE My glass is not only half-empty, I'm convinced someone spit in it.
JUDY NICHOLS Clearly, private equity investors see that that the glass if half-full here.
CRAIG MOFFETT We need to quit arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty - and instead acknowledge...
KATE BROWN [If Smith was unsure whether his glass was half full or half empty then his counterpart was also str...
MARCELLO LIPPI You’re a girl?”
“Surprising, I know. Everyone thinks I’m older.
SARAH J. MAAS Fine, she wouldn't mind if Kaltain and Perrington met horrible deaths, but Dorian would be there. An...
SARAH J. MAAS How'd you remember my brother's name?" She shrugged, not quite understanding the gleam in his eye. "...
SARAH J. MAAS She had no idea when she'd stopped loathing him so much.
SARAH J. MAAS I'm the Captain of the Guard-I'm not exactly a catch for any of them." There was some sorrow in his ...
SARAH J. MAAS What terrified him even more was that he trusted her. And he didn't know what that said about himsel...
SARAH J. MAAS She lifted her eyes to his face, and found his gaze lined with silver. "Get up," was all he said.
SARAH J. MAAS Can I be honest with you?" Chaol leaned closer, and Celaena leaned to meet him as he whispered: "You...
SARAH J. MAAS She'd survived Endovier, yet she could still laugh.
SARAH J. MAAS Really? Are you going to ask him to be your partner?" Isabelle asked. "It's like cotillion, this par...
CASSANDRA CLARE Valentine whirled. Clary, lying half-conscious in the sand, her wrists and arms a screaming agony, s...
CASSANDRA CLARE She threw the door open. The room seemed to be a sort of library, the walls lined with books. It was...
CASSANDRA CLARE And quit baring your fangs at me. It's making me nervous."

"Good," Simon said. "if you wa...
CASSANDRA CLARE I wondered if the fire had been out to get me. I wondered if all fire was related, like Dad said all...
JEANNETTE WALLS No Bartender is going to fill your glass if it's "half full"
ARTHUR STEPHENS My friends and I are debating about optimism, whether the glass is half empty or half full.....Well ...
MARIE KATRA I don't know if I have a favorite color.
KATE MIDDLETON It's very special having a new little girl.
KATE MIDDLETON Remember to look at your glass half full and not half empty. A lot of my strength comes from God. Go...
MATTIE STEPANEK The optimist says the glass is half full; The pessimist says, no food or drink allowed
GREG GAZIN The break for me was the Medicare drug benefit in 2003. It's just grossly expensive, bad policy. Aft...
BRUCE BARTLETT I think we need the magnifying glass.
JOEY JOHNSON These treatments are effective--there's no doubt about that. But the glass is only half full.
JEFFREY LIEBERMAN I know a lot of people that had one cancer that are not alive today. I've had three. So my glass...
HAMILTON JORDAN This is not just a job for first-responders, ... They're doing this for their families and their com...
PAT SULLIVAN In the end, I think you really only get as far as you're allowed to get.
GAYLE GARDNER Your glass seems like it will always be half full even it falls down and shatters to pieces
KEVIN JARED HOSEIN At my core, the glass isn't half-empty - it's not even what I ordered in the first place.
CATHERINE TATE The speed of changes in values in Chile is much slower than in Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil or Mexico....
MARTA LAGOS The glass is always half full: I have no time for anything negative - and actually, I've bought ...
VICTORIA BECKHAM At the end of the day, I let myself have a glass of wine.
JANE SEYMOUR Life is as sad as a glass of grenadine.' ... It’s almost that. It is sad. But, at the same time, h...
MYLèNE FARMER He was done with politics and intrigue. He loved her, and no empire, no king, and no earthly fear wo...
SARAH J. MAAS I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Ja...
CASSANDRA CLARE Success is a matter of viewpoint. The pessimist sees the bottle as half empty. The optimist sees it ...
JOE KARBO As clear as glass!
RAFA BENITEZ We did some soul-searching. Was the cable industry obsolete? Was it an opportune time to get out? Ou...
BRIAN ROBERTS I wish I could be half as sure of anything as some people are of everything.
GERALD BARZAN

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN