The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door.

Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.