The last copy of the Chicago Daily News I picked up had three crime stories on its front page. But by comparison to the gaudy days, this is small-time stuff. Chicago is as full of crooks as a saw with teeth, but the era when they ruled the city is gone forever.

The minute I saw the front page of the 'Daily Telegraph' - me with my arm around the latest 'X-Factor' contestant - I realised I'd gone into a new realm.

The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter.

In Chicago, we love our crooks!

My walk on the moon lasted three days. My walk with God will last forever.

Every day, the New York Times carries a motto in a box on its front page. "All the News That's Fit to Print," it says. It's been saying it for decades, day in and day out. I imagine most readers of the canonical sheet have long ceased to notice this bannered and flaunted symbol of its mental furniture. I myself check every day to make sure that the bright, smug, pompous, idiotic claim is still there.