FastSaying

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.


Groucho Marx

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.
MARK TWAIN If a man's from Texas, he'll tell you. If he's not, why embarrass him by asking?
JOHN GUNTHER If Russell Crowe says that he's Noah, he's Noah. You never doubt it. If he says that he'...
RYAN GOSLING One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him...
FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ...
MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX There are people who say, 'Oh, he's a crook.' But I'm not a crook.
PETER M. BRANT Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON It is not the crook in modern business that we fear, but the honest man who doesn't know what he...
OWEN D. YOUNG When he entered the anteroom, two women looked up at him. One was Miss Robertson, the governor's sec...
GEORGE P. ELLIOTT To test a modest man's modesty do not investigate if he ignores applause, find out if he abides ...
FRANZ GRILLPARZER Never ask what sort of computer a guy drives. If he's a Mac user, he'll tell you. If not, wh...
TOM CLANCY In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most, it is the honest man who doesn'...
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill
JUDE WATSON If you wish to understand a philosopher, do not ask what he says, but find out what he wants
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE He wasn't a great father. He was a great musician. That's always been a touchy one, and it w...
JULIAN LENNON It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea.
JUDE WATSON All writing is that structure of revelation. There's something you want to find out. If you know...
WALTER MOSLEY I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD I'm that person who says, 'No matter what the problem is, there's a solution.' That&...
MIRANDA KERR If you were to ask everyone what 'Hamlet' was about, they might say, "It's about a ...
ORLANDO BLOOM You can always find stress in someone's life if you want to. You ask a few questions, and eventu...
BARRY MARSHALL There is superficiality to Hollywood, and yes, it is charming. Of course there is sunshine, but ther...
AMANDA ELIASCH I always find Victoria's Secret models a bit weird.
EDIE CAMPBELL Every man is different. You can't generalize with men; you have to find out what your man wants....
KARRINE STEFFANS He's an honest man - you could shoot craps with him over the telephone.
EARL WILSON You know the actor John Garfield? In one movie he walked up to this train station, the ticket booth,...
WAYNE SHORTER Arnold Schwarzenegger, I don't know if you'd call him a great actor, but he's amazing in...
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM There are some great questions to ask your doctor. If he says 'no,' then you find yourself a...
MARIE OSMOND It wouldn't matter whether you were Latino or Hispanic or Norwegian. If you didn't have proo...
JAN BREWER Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill
ROLAND SMITH The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid, and if he is timid, he has to remind the hitter ...
DON DRYSDALE I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan.
BROOKE ELLIOTT I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously.
ERINN HAYES There are two worlds out there - two Americas out there. If you're a white person, there's o...
CLAUDIA RANKINE Mohammed personally mapped out seven heavens. If he got to seven, you know there's more.
PATTI SMITH To me, a building - if it's beautiful - is the love of one man, he's made it out of his love...
MARTHA GRAHAM Your man wants to know that there's nothing you wouldn't do for him - if that's your com...
KARRINE STEFFANS When the magistrate says 'That's not a good enough reason my man.' He said 'Excuse m...
ANTHONY HOLDEN About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo...
PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only...
RICK RIORDAN If you want to find out if someone's a taker, it's not actually that useful to know what the...
ADAM GRANT 'Weary Willie' is very real to me. He is a man who has given up. The boat has gone and left ...
EMMETT KELLY To my knowledge, there is no blacklist. But there is a mindset, even among liberal producers, that s...
ED ASNER Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
BIBLE You know, we'd just had a birthday, he was... you know, he still had a future out of him, and al...
ROBIN GIBB The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out...
THOMAS BABINGTON MACAULAY He's dangerous because when God talks to him Bob will do whatever God asks him to do at great co...
BILL HYBELS But my father was also the one who told me I needed to clean up my mouth or I'd never find a man...
ZOSIA MAMET If a superior give any order to one who is under him which is against that man's conscience, alt...
FRANCIS OF ASSISI When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
DON MARQUIS To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must f...
BUDDHA Michael Emerson is just a prince. There's something about him. He's so sweet. I don't kn...
SARAH SHAHI People ask what the secret of a happy marriage is. If there is one, it's 'don't talk abo...
JANE ASHER A politician is a person with whose politics you don't agree; if you agree with him he's a s...
DAVID LLOYD GEORGE Don't ever humiliate a man. If you're gonna have to dress him out, you take him aside and do...
RIP TORN Spector is a good guy, but he's a nut. Ha, ha, ha! You know, I love him, but he's unpredicta...
IKE TURNER If there is a supreme being, he's crazy.
MARLENE DIETRICH The young man who's had the Guggenheim fortune behind him all his life - he can hire all the aut...
JERRY LEWIS I always tell my wife, 'If you're ever looking for something to put on my gravestone, put do...
DOUG HARVEY If he is convicted, Dr. Kevorkian says he will die a martyr's death by going on a hunger strike.
BILL DEDMAN It is another's fault if he be ungrateful, but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful...
LUCIUS ANNAEUS SENECA I think, a lot of times, players get in trouble when they're asked questions and they think they...
DEREK JETER We need to let the referee's sole thing be to protect the quarterback and get those late hits ou...
JOHN MADDEN Do you follow American politics? They hate Obama. Hate him. He's a black man. That's what it...
IAN MCSHANE If he invited you out, he's got to pay.
BEYONCE KNOWLES How much golf I actually play depends on whom you ask. My wife says I'm out there every day. If ...
RICKY PONTING Simon is cool. You know, it's different if you ever see him around his mom. He acts totally diff...
RUBEN STUDDARD Harrison Ford... I love him. He's a man's man.
SHERILYN FENN It's weird to me when an artist comes in, and the label says, 'We want him to sound like Chr...
BEBE REXHA When a man is treated like a beast, he says, 'After all, I'm human.' When he behaves lik...
KARL KRAUS Whenever he saw a dollar in another man's hands he took it as a personal grudge, if he couldn...
O. HENRY If your focus in life is on being productive, when things are not happening... one has to ask onesel...
BOB CORKER Once is a man's life, for one mortal moment, he must make a grab for immorality; if not, he has ...
SYLVESTER STALLONE As a director, you can't stop a guy if he thinks something's hysterical, because if you do, ...
EVAN GOLDBERG There are two ways of knowing if something ends badly: If you're honest with yourself, you just ...
VINCE GILLIGAN If you're a person who says yes most of the time, you'll find yourself in the hotel business...
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA Every man should make up his own mind that if he expect to succeed, he must give an honest return fo...
EDWARD H. HARRIMAN If everybody is doing it one way, there's a good chance you can find your niche by going exactly...
SAM WALTON The wonderful thing about rock music is even if you hate the other person, sometimes you need him mo...
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN You know, if one paints someone's portrait, one should not know him if possible.
OTTO DIX Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, and v...
BERNARD LEVIN Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, an...
ANDREW LACK Music is like a conversation. One person says one thing that speaks with a harmonica, with a bass, w...
STEPHEN MARLEY The easiest bit is when you're talking. It's listening that is so difficult. If you get out ...
ART MALIK Maybe the Dalai Lama is the only person who is totally honest, and even with him, he's skillful ...
RICHARD GERE There is an interaction and action, reaction between two people. One should show honesty in a relati...
RANDEEP HOODA If you watch a guy go out on court and have a meltdown, you're not going to think, 'Oh my Go...
JOHN MCENROE Here's what happens in a play. You get involved in a situation where something is unbalanced. If...
DAVID MAMET I've got a few ideas," (Amy) admitted. "But I don't know where we're going in the long term. I mean ...
RICK RIORDAN Retire? I don't know what that word means. As long as a man is able to work and he's product...
RED ADAIR Muhammad Ali is a true hero, and the fact there's something wrong with him is his badge of valou...
GEORGE FOREMAN If you're going to figure something out, study ethics. You can ask What's the answer? What&#...
DUFF GOLDMAN If you're a writer, you know there are ways in which we don't know what we're doing at a...
COLUM MCCANN Scientology is the study of knowingness. It increases one's knowingness, but if a man were total...
L. RON HUBBARD In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most, it is the honest man who doesn't kn...
OWEN D. YOUNG In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most, it is the honest man who doesn't kn...
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH There's no one in the world close to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He is a phenomenon. He's brillia...
SYLVESTER STALLONE

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX