There's no family allowance on the first child, you know.

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

All these old guys, they were exactly the same on stage as off, and they couldn't help being comedians.

No, wait, here's a good bit.

It's a very sad day. I've always admired him. Everything he did had a very evocative ring, of something great.

I'll never forget the first time my family came to see me do stand-up, ... It was an awful bombing. It was like a damn terrorist attack. I was onstage in Washington, D.C., and the audience was talking. Some of them even turned their backs to me. I was paralyzed. I couldn't even move. I just kept talking until I heard my mother yell out, 'Wanda! Get off the stage!'