This guy in office is an uneducated, real lying schmuck . . . and we still couldn't beat him with a bore like Kerry.

It was pretty clear that I was a funny guy, just as a guy.

My office became a meeting place where people could come in and talk. One percent of my customers were a bit nutty, and that made for great interest, but frustration, as well.

Anybody can reach anywhere from five to 15 million people weekly making a president look like an idiot, as I did back then, or Tina Fey did with Sarah Palin... You're always preaching to the choir one way or the other.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

What's funny is funny. The same thing that made you laugh a hundred years ago makes you laugh now.