When Alexander of Macedon was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Eric Bristow is only 27.

He's as cool as a prized marrow!

He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed.

He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.

I want the little lassies who are thinking of going to a nightclub in Cardiff to stop to see what that guy's screaming for, or Grandma to put her knitting down to see why that guy's chatting about Alexander the Great. I'm after pulling in, whether it's in Manila, Beijing or whatever, the biggest possible audience.

I talk fast because I'm asthmatic, and I'm desperately hoping the words get out before my breath fails.