When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kids couldn't.

[Right now, on tour, Colfer is missing his wife and two kids but says it would be churlish not to appreciate the wonderful opportunities the Artemis Fowl books have presented him. At this point, he thinks he'll write two more books in the series and then he'll put Artemis to rest.] I'll be a bit sad when it happens. I've spent a lot of time in his company, but I have lots of other things I'd like to do. ... People are very supportive and it's not just a class thing - everybody, the common man can be creative and it's OK, you can be young and say, 'I'm writing a play', and people will say, 'Good on you'. Some other countries, they wouldn't take you seriously.

He uses it against me, too. One day he said, all those other kids have their books signed by you, so will you sign all of mine?

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.