When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
Related
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America...
GEORGE CARLIN When you grow up, you gain experience and realise what youre capable of.
FRANCESCO TOTTI who wants flowers when youre dead? nobody.
J.D. SALINGER You better believe I’m going to have a front-row seat when (Krause) is speaking.
ROBERT DAVENPORT We have to keep a good frame of mind and not overlook La Villa. Anytime you do that, youre going to ...
HECTOR GARCIA Dont try to go too fast. Learn your job. Dont ever talk until you know what youre talking about. If ...
SAM RAYBURN My advice for any entrepreneur or innovator is to get into the food industry in some form so you hav...
KIMBAL MUSK if youre never scared, or embarased, or hurt, it means you never take any chances.
JULIA SOREL If youre in an awkward position, feel comfortable enough to walk away.
BEAU MIRCHOFF Thats the thing about the Internet. You can put a lot of distance between yourself and the person yo...
ELLEN WRIGHT He had a front row seat to the massacre,
JOHN POWERS You do that Helen", Mallory dared. "And tell him we said to f*ck off while youre at it".
CHLOE NEILL I would rather have a back row seat in the house of the lord than a front row seat amoung the rich a...
ALBEN WILLIAM BARKLEY Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!
JEFF KINNEY I was born at the right time. I was a freak - the only young player when darts took off in the 1970s...
ERIC BRISTOW A true freak cannot be made. A true freak must be born.
KATHERINE DUNN I'm kind of a germ freak. When I get on a plane, I spray my seat and everything with Lysol Disin...
KELLY ROWLAND I grew up with a front row seat to the American dream.
MIKE PENCE When you are lonely for a while don't get restless, if you had born alone, you are going to die alon...
AMIT KALANTRI Ye been oure lord, dooth with youre owene thyngRight as yow list.
CHAUCER We show up way early so we can get on the front row and get the best seats possible.
TOBY PYKLES I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES MRS PEARCE. Mr Higgins: youre tempting the girl. It’s not right. She should think of the future. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
DR. SEUSS You didn't need a weapon at all when you were born one.
SARAH J. MAAS You only live twice. Once when you are born and once when you look death in the face.
IAN FLEMING If limousines were extremely long, they wouldn't need drivers. You could just get in the back seat, ...
JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER If I didn't have a front-row seat on history, it was at least a seat on the aisle.
DAN RATHER If there was a mobility service that's cheaper than owning a car, more reliable, and you get to ...
TRAVIS KALANICK Stop trying to fit in when you were born to stand out.
LAO TZU You have to be born a sex symbol. You don't become one. If you're born with it, you'll have it even ...
SOPHIA LOREN When you perform in front of an audience after only two days of rehearsal, you're flying by the ...
MICHAEL RICHARDS When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live you life in a manner so that when you die...
NATIVE AMERICAN PROVERB When you're born into a showbiz family, the deck is stacked against you.
JOHN DARNIELLE When you catch a glimpse of your potential, that's when passion is born.
ZIG ZIGLAR You only live twice:
Once when you are born
And once when you look death in the face
IAN FLEMING When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a
manner that when you ...
ANTHONY ROBBINS It wasn't going foul, ... You know when you get out in front and the ball's going to slice a little ...
TODD HELTON When you perform in front of an audience after only two days of rehearsal, you're flying by the seat...
MICHAEL RICHARDS I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved...
MICK FOLEY Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
IAN WALLACE When you put your hand to the plow, you can't put it down until you get to the end of the row.
ALICE PAUL A big part of reporting is just being present. You have to show up ten days in a row to get the one ...
ADRIAN NICOLE LEBLANC here I am simply trying to get into your head
you think you were born you die what a pity
IKKYU Sometimes heroes are born, and sometimes heroes are made. People get to show what they're made of in...
DAVID MARANISS The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN You have to be born a sex symbol. You don't become one. If you're born with it, you'll h...
SOPHIA LOREN For when a child is born the mother also is born again.
GILBERT PARKER You might get some serial killers who are born with a chip missing, but for the most part I don'...
BENICIO DEL TORO Youthfulness is about how you live not when you were born.
KARL LAGERFELD I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.
HUMPHREY BOGART I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.
DOROTHY B. HUGHES They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.
GABRIELLE ZEVIN The more people are vocal about the risks in the secondary market, the better it's going to be for c...
BONNIE POINDEXTER If you show up to work five days in a row, nobody's going to pat you on the back - everyone does...
JOHN DARNIELLE Growing up, I had a front row seat to seeing two people work really hard. My dad scrubbed toilets at...
MIA LOVE If the placebo effect was a week or two, I would understand that and say, 'Yes, youre right.' You kn...
BOB GREEN When you are born again, you are brought into the kingdom to find your destiny
SUNDAY ADELAJA Its important to know stories. I felt the earth shift to make a place for you when you were born, an...
SHANNON HALE I was born to do sitcoms, where you get an immediate response from the audience.
KIRSTIE ALLEY When I'm born I'm black, when I grow up I'm black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm sick I'm ...
OGLALA LAKOTA When you put your hand to the plow, you can't put it down until you get to the end of the row.
ALICE PAUL Debt is born when you want to spend money before you have earned it.
VIKRANT PARSAI You are not born to follow the society, you are born to inspire it - you are born to teach it - you ...
ABHIJIT NASKAR As you see the opening get closer, you just can't get fast enough. And finally, just when you think ...
STEPHEN CHBOSKY I was born in 1946, so I was born on the tail end of when everything was deemed important. You made ...
PATTI SMITH When the euro was born, it was born in the wrong economic circumstances.
JOHN MAJOR When you're born, you have your right and wrong. I veered wrong, first, but now I'm veering right, t...
BO SMITH As they say in the bible, that you're supposed to rejoice when people die and mourn when they...
GREGG ALLMAN I always say that polo, for you to pursue a career, mainly any sport, you have to be born in the rig...
NACHO FIGUERAS They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made. A tru...
KATHERINE DUNN If you are a dreamer come in
If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar
A hoper a pray-er a magi...
SHEL SILVERSTEIN It's a little chicken and egg. The flows tend to follow the market, but when you get a nice six mont...
BRETT GALLAGHER We seat 220 people, and there will be a flurry when four tables get up at once. When a 15-top and tw...
DON SILVA That's what you need when you can't get the pretty ones. Just get the puck to the net, get some scre...
BRAD RICHARDSON I like playing mid because you get to shoot off the break, and when front players move up, you get t...
DAN MATHIS When I played, a 300-pounder was a freak. Today, if you don't weigh 300 pounds you are a freak.
ART KEHOE You are born, you live and then you die. But when you forgive you are free to live again!
STEPHEN RICHARDS The mind is a wonderful thing. It starts working the minute you're born and never stops working unti...
PATRICIA ANN BALL You should study not only that you become a mother when your child is born, but also that you become...
DOGEN Why try to fit in when you were born to stand out?” “I’m nothing special. I’m drowning,” I...
IF I WAKE Greatness is achieved when you fulfil your purpose by doing what you were born to do.
MENSAH OTEH Sitting at the table doesn't make you a diner, unless you eat some of what's on that plate. Being he...
MALCOLM X When you are born rich, you have all these options. You can pursue a career path that you find inter...
JAMIE JOHNSON When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world...
AMERICAN INDIAN PROVERB When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world...
INDIAN PROVERB That was his goal, to get with her. They were just obsessed with having him there when the baby is b...
JUDY HAYLES You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself to be.
ALBERT GRAY It's tough to play when teams are coming after you every game. You win two years in a row; now three...
BILL MANDIGO People despise us. The police don't like us because they get tickets. The store people feel the same...
ELADIO CASTILLO When you're born again, your DNA changes. You have the ability to understand God's terms.
BILL MCCARTNEY In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get - The Future!
DAN QUAYLE We do not get to choose how we start out in life. We do not get to choose the day we are born or the...
IDOWU KOYENIKAN When you are born--what you are born into, the place, the history of the place, how that history mat...
JEANETTE WINTERSON Life depends on you and your choices. The real value of your life largely depends on what you do wit...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH He is like a pig in slop in this thing -- this is clearly what he was born to do. When I first heard...
ROBERT THOMPSON O fortunatam natam me consule Romam! - O happy Rome, born when I was consul!
MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO The human brain is a wonderful organ. It starts to work as soon as you are born and doesn't stop unt...
GEORGE JESSEL I was born in America, but I consider myself a Filipino.
JESSICA SANCHEZ
More George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.
GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN