you know, god should have grabbed a scribers arm and made him write "but before that they were a bit crap so... fuck 'em"

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…”The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill.