You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.

How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.

I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer.

It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain.

With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical.