A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Someone once asked me, 'How long does it take to do your hair.' I said, 'I don't know, I'm never there.'

Anyone who thinks 'Modern Times' has got a big message is just putting it there himself. Charlie knew that the pressures of modern life and factory life would be good for a lot of laughs, and that's why he did the film - not because he wanted to diagnose the industrial revolution.

I don't want to intimidate people. There's nothing bullyish about me, you know. If there's anybody who's anti-bully, it's me.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.