If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

Anyone who thinks 'Modern Times' has got a big message is just putting it there himself. Charlie knew that the pressures of modern life and factory life would be good for a lot of laughs, and that's why he did the film - not because he wanted to diagnose the industrial revolution.

Any time you think you have the game conquered, the game will turn around and punch you right in the nose.