A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'