Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.